relationship

Ups and Downs.

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Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

this year is mine.

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I finally saw my therapist last Friday after six weeks without a session. She had to cancel one of our sessions earlier in December and she didn’t have any cancellations prior to this appointment I had for January 3rd, so it’s been a little longer than usual between sessions. I am always happy to see my therapist, and as usual we had a good session. I will say that it has left me with open eyes and I realize I am needing to deal with certain things in friendships/relationships. I have a problem where I often spread myself too thin and I feel like I over book myself, but it’s not always with things that I want to do. I can’t keep doing things that I don’t want to do, and I can’t keep accepting guilt from those who try to guilt trip me into doing certain things.

I am often exhausted; I typically drive to work before the sun is up and I come home long after it had already set. Besides my job, I also have to keep up with things at home such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking (which I plan to start doing more or this year), cat-moming, garbage etc. Not only that, but I am also trying to work on developing healthy habits such as going to the gym, reading more often, and focusing on my poetry. Now, I know I don’t have any children, and I know I’m not ready for them yet which is why my boyfriend and I take necessary precautions, but that does not mean I am not busy or stressed.

I understand that other people are stressed as well, as we all have different lives and stress, but I think people often look at me like I have all of the time in the world, when in reality I don’t. I do make sure to spend time with friends, but I typically will spread that out over weekends as again, I’m often very tired. I also love spending time at home with my boyfriend since I spend long hours away from him during the week. I know I have good friends who understand these things, and I also know that I have friends who enjoy spending time with me and would probably prefer I spent more time with them; but as adults we all need to understand that our priorities in life are changing, and we have more responsibilities taking our time.

What’s important is that I am happy with how I am spending my time. It is important to be a little selfish- we are the only people who will be with ourselves every day until we die. I feel that one of the most important things in life is to love and care about yourself, and for some of us it takes time and effort to get to that point. That is what I want to focus on right now. I am 24, I’m in a committed relationship, I have an Associates Degree, I’m a home-owner, and I am a manager of a dental practice. I work for what I want, and at this point I want to work on myself. This will also not only benefit me, but my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, and my future children. ♡

Our thing.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years now, and I absolutely love him and our life together. I feel that our relationship is much different than other people’s relationships nowadays, and I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

My boyfriend and I honestly don’t have a lot of shared interests. For example, he loves working on cars and playing video games, when neither of those things interest me. I like to shop, be outdoors and go places, but he likes to stay home. Although we don’t have many hobbies that we both enjoy, we have both agree on what we want our future to look like.

We know that the home we’re in now is not forever home; we’ve debated on selling this house vs. renting it out once we’re ready to move to the next home. We know what we want in the next house and know what we will and won’t settle for. We know where we went to live and how much we’re willing to spend.

My boyfriend and I also know that we do not want kids until after we’re married. We will be getting married likely in 2021 or 2022, we’re not engaged yet, so depending on when we get engaged will determine what year we get married. We’d like to get married on our anniversary date of October 2nd, and we both would not like to be engaged for much longer than a year (if even that long). We want two children, three maximum.

Today we were at a birthday party for our friends’ one-year-old, and it made me think about how fun it will be when him and I are parents. I started picturing us planning the party and being there with our little baby, and then my mind wandered into thinking about Christmas with our future kids. It got me to thinking that maybe parenting together will be “our thing.” If parenting is looked at as a fun hobby, I feel like that can only have a positive outcome!

Luckily we also both agree on how we will be raising our children. We share the same views on electronics for children and the important of them being outside and socializing with others. We both agree on what’s too far for discipline and what is appropriate. We know we want to raise strong, independent children and we will love them unconditionally and teach them to love themselves. Obviously parenting will not be easy and there’s so such thing as a perfect parent, but if we enjoy raising our children together I feel that can only benefit the whole family.

I’m not ready for children yet, and neither is he. We also agree that 28 is the minimum age that I’d like to be to have a baby. We have a lot to do before we can bring a child into this world; not to mention I’d like to do a bit more traveling before I have to do so with a child with me. For now I will be focusing on myself and practicing different forms of self-care, which I hope will benefit my future.

For right now, him and I are just going to do our own things, and we will both be cheering each other on. I love that we both love and care about each other so much, and even though we have different interests/hobbies we still support each other’s goals and help each other whenever we can. The other thing is we always make sure to let the other person know that they’re appreciated, every single day. Communication and appreciation are very important in any relationship. ♡