What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

Journaling/writing has always been an outlet for me, even as a child. It allows me to say what I need to say, without doing so out loud. It allows me to slow down and actually process through my thoughts, rather than letting them run wild in my head.

Breathing is definitely another helpful exercise. When I’m feeling physically anxious and overwhelmed, I breathe in for four seconds, hold for one to two seconds, and then exhale for six to eight seconds. The important part is to exhale longer than the inhale, as this puts your nervous system into a parasympathetic state, allowing you to calm down. Another type of breathing I use is called box breathing, and this is where you inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and then repeat that cycle.

I am fortunate to have good health insurance through my husband’s job, and so I have been able to see a therapist to help me learn about myself and coping mechanisms. It’s nice to be able to talk things out with someone who is truly there to help you find solutions, and also to not judge you during the process. Even if I didn’t have my therapist, it’s nice to have my husband and my friends to talk to. I’m fortunate to have good people in my life, and it’s nice to be able to truly connect with others on that deeper level.

In reality, we all have struggles to deal with in this life. Whether big or small, it can weigh on us, so it is important that we learn how to soothe ourselves in these difficult situations. I feel like growing up, it was normal to see parents shoving away their children’s emotions, telling them to just go away until they aren’t crying or upset anymore… this image now breaks my heart.

I remember struggling with big emotions when I was younger and then especially moving into middle and high school where I had zero clue what to do with my anger and anxiety. I never knew how to pause to stop and breathe; I never knew how to calm my body down when I felt like I was about to implode. Although I did write a lot, the emotions had built up for so long, I felt like they were taking over- unfortunately this did lead to some self-harm when I was a teenager.

I feel like if I had someone who was empathizing with my sensitivities and emotions and helping me to breathe/talk through them, it would have made it a lot easier to get through life. Basically it felt like my emotions were completely disregarded. Unless I was angry or upset, then I was called “dramatic” and basically mocked.

I understand now that my parents were going through their own life struggles, and I know they loved me and were doing their best, but as an only child to functioning alcoholic parents, and I often felt like I was going crazy. They were anxious and controlling, yet also completely out of control. They would shelter me from the world, yet expose me to their loud, drunken slurs. They would make me feel like shit for having big emotions, while they’d erupt in a fit of rage every other night.

I walked around knowing my life at home wasn’t normal, yet I also never told anyone. I was already the kid who smelled like cigarette smoke for elementary and middle school, why would I want anyone to know that my parents also drank every night? Instead I’d just lose myself in being overly observant, so I’d find the flaws in other people’s parents and lives so I could tell myself that mine wasn’t so bad. I think it was actually to manipulate myself into thinking this was normal or okay.

Even now I feel the need to say that I wasn’t hit or beat- most of the abuse was verbal. Physically I was slapped across the face once. My dad also pulled my towel off my head which had my hair all wrapped in it because I “showered too late at night” (mind you, it had to be before 10pm). I also remember him putting me in a headlock because he broke my chain on my necklace and my mom felt bad and bought me a new one. It always scared me when he’d get in my mom’s face, because I never knew if he’d snap further.

There was one night he cornered me in the bathroom. I actually fell into the tub and the entire shower curtain ripped off- I remember staring past my dad at my mom who was behind him in the doorframe and saying “are you going to do something?!?!” She called the cops… it got worse after that. For weeks, maybe even months, he was referring to my mom as a traitor for calling the police. Instead of taking any accountability for the fact that he was so belligerent that we were scared of what he would do, he put all the blame back on her (well, it felt like us to me).

I am realizing this daily prompt here has got me fully journaling again; I guess I needed to release some things! Needless to say, my childhood was a big chaotic and stressful, and at the time I did not have many coping skills, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve dedicated time to learning how to manage my emotions. I don’t want to go through life projecting all of my troubles and traumas onto the people around me. I’d much rather live a present life, focused on the blessings and prioritizing inner peace… so thats what I’m doing!