I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with the divine. I say the divine, the universe, source, angels…I have been hesitant about using the word “God” for most of my life, until recently.

I think my main issue with using “God” is that it comes off that there is one powerful entity that is above all, which sounds quite narcissistic and really just wrong. I have never been a devout Christian, and although my parents claim they may have been at one point, I never really saw it.

As a child I watched Veggie Tales and sang in the church choir as I collected my Precious Moments angels and pretended to understand the verses that were read to me during my first couple years of being home-schooled. I sang “Jesus Loves Me” with all of the other kids in my Sunday school classes and really just looked forward to the cookies and juice that came after service. I had zero concept on what the higher power was.

When I was seven, I was told that my Grandpa had gone to heaven to be with God. The person who pulled me around on the sled in the snow, who always let me have that extra pudding cup, and who always let me sit on his lap in his comfy rocking chair had left to be with God. This crushed me and honestly I think this is where my disconnect with “God” came from.

At such a young age, I recognized the permanence that death brought. I remember feeling so helpless and devastated at the funeral, just knowing that I would never be able to speak to my grandfather again while my physical body was here on earth. I was so confused and hurt, and really just overwhelmed by all of the heavy feelings my tiny seven-year-old body was enduring.

As years went by, there was no more going to church, and no more reading the children bibles, as I had finally started public school at age eight. The last memory I had in a church as a kid was throwing up violently while singing hymns while visiting my family in Iowa- so it kind of makes sense why I never really wanted to go back.

When I was in seventh grade, my mother became interested in “The Secret.” I remember her loving the book and she even encouraged me to read it. As the people-pleaser that I was, I did decide to read it, but at age twelve I hardly got what I needed from it. I remember it feeling very boring to me, other than this story about a special feather that had me kind of interested.

The whole book is really about the Law of Attraction. The person in the book was sharing different stories and wisdoms and at one point they start talking about a drawing of a feather. If I remember this correctly, someone had drawn up a very intricate, colorful feather that was not from any real bird on this earth. This person would look at this drawing of the feather every day and apparently one day they ended up seeing this exact feather outside.

I just remember feeling like there was no way this was possible, but also feeling like I wanted to be hopeful that it was. My mom and I always enjoyed watching shows like “Long Island Medium” and “Psychic Kids,” but my dad would always say how all of it was fake and staged. It was hard to trust really in anything, because it definitely all felt real, but without scientific proof, was any of it real?

This is something that I still battle with to this day; I love to believe in the magic of the world, but part of me often still craves that solid evidence. As I write this, I think it stems from a lack of trust within myself. I often will have gut feelings about certain things, and because I don’t have solid evidence I will ignore it or try to push it away. However, there have been times where I have felt like even though I have no true proof that signs or synchronicities are real, I have enough proof for myself to believe and have faith in a higher power. As I continue to grow and heal, I find myself leaning back into faith in something bigger than us.

When I think of a higher power, I see it as a large light that lives within each and every one of us. I believe that we are truly a collective, and the more that humans can lean into this light or “soul,” the better the world will become. The more we can lean into empathy and compassion, the more we can truly connect and communicate with others around us. The more understanding we have of one another’s struggles and challenges, the more we recognize how we are more alike than we are different.

For the longest time I would write off the signs I’d see as being “delusional” or I’d just remind myself of the confirmation bias that our brains naturally have. However, now I am working on letting go of the shame/doubts I’ve had, and instead I am fully leaning into faith. I have been so blessed and protected in this life, especially in these last few weeks, that I can’t help but to believe and trust in a higher power.

I am so grateful to live the life that I do today, and as much as I can thank myself for all of the hard work I’ve done, I’d also like to thank the universe for all of the work that was done in the background. I feel so blessed to be married to my best friend, a kind and respectful man who loves me for me. We are in good health and we have a roof over our heads. We have great friends and family who love and support us. Life is so good and I am so grateful to be present for it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍