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Gratitude Check

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I am feeling so grateful and surrounded by love this season. I just sent out our save the dates today and am having lunch with my family this weekend! I also just had a good weekend with good friends and I am so happy to be present for all of the good things in my life.

I am grateful for our home and the fact that we have electricity, food and water. I am grateful for my body that breathes for me, pumps blood for me, and continuously regenerates my cells without me having to think about it. I am grateful to have a supportive, respectful fiancé who truly knows me and loves me for me. I am grateful for Dunkin’s iced coffee, although I definitely am addicted LOL! I am grateful for my job and for our financial situation, and overall I am grateful for this life!

Thank you to my angels and guides of the highest good and truth for protecting and supporting me along this lovely journey.

Protect Your Energy

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Our energy is a form of currency, and it’s important to spend it intentionally. As a recovering people-pleaser, I felt out of touch and out of control of my own energy for years. I was so focused on shoving down my true feelings in order to keep other people comfortable and to avoid any conflict or confrontation. I carried shame around my emotions; I never felt like I was allowed to express my feelings, and I definitely wasn’t taught how to do so in a healthy way.

As I grew older, I noticed resentment building inside. I was feeling so angry about everything because I felt like my life wasn’t mine. I was so focused on other people and how they were able to live their lives for themselves, and I lost myself and my own wants and needs along the way. I was spending all my time and energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than focusing myself, and it completely drained me.

I had to start coming back into my body and paying attention to how I felt around certain people and situations. I had to start being honest with myself about what I actually wanted to spend time doing and what I was doing just to “keep the peace.” Instead of saying “yes” right away out of some feeling of obligation, I started saying “let me think about it” to give myself time to sit and listen to how my mind and body truly feel before committing to anything.

Coming back to myself has been a long journey, and I continue to fall into the ego and find old habits trying to creep back in, but now I am more aware of myself and what I need to do to protect my own energy. sometimes it’s just being selective with who I spend time with, other times it’s taking a break from people in general to recharge, and sometimes it’s talking to the universe/God/source. regardless of how it’s done, it is done with intention. ✨

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Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.

Working out! I can’t get myself to do it, even though I know how good I feel once it’s done. When it gets warmer it’s easier for me to get outside on walks because I actually enjoy them, but just walking on my treadmill isn’t the same. I’ve recently thought about finding fun ways to exercise, such as roller blading, so maybe I’ll start doing that this year!

My First Computer (Prompt)

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Write about your first computer.

My first computer wasn’t mine, and I’ll always remember that. When I was seven years old, I had a birthday party at the clubhouse at our apartment pool. This party I remember so many family members coming to, some I didn’t even know. One of these family members was my dad’s cousin (so also my cousin, but he was older so I probably looked at him like an uncle I didn’t know lol), and he brought in the best gift: a computer.

This is the early 2000s and we don’t have a computer in the house, as they’re relatively new and I assume they’re also not cheap. I never even thought about having a computer, but I knew that you could color on the computer and that usually they had some games, so I was excited to play with it!

I remember asking my parents “is the computer for me?!” even though I assumed that it was considering it was my birthday and everyone was bringing me gifts, but that’s when I quickly learned not to get your hopes up. My dad looked at me and without hesitation told me “no, it’s for me” and meant it.

He took that computer and, in my child eyes, became obsessed with it. He’d come home from work and be on the computer for the rest of the night. I occasionally got to play with paint and as I got a little older I could play games on disneychannel.com and what not, but I felt like the computer completely changed my dad.

He seemed angrier and like he never had time for me or my mom, and like everything on the internet was more important. This is probably why I am so passionate when it comes to screen time and how addictive it is, because parents will literally neglect their child and even their own needs for the sake of a screen.

I have since grown older and I do not wish to hold resentment. I have moved on for the better and have learned a lot throughout my life. There are many lessons I will take with and apply to my future parenthood journey, and this was an example of one. I remember how it made me feel, and I will do my best to avoid hurting my child(ren) in that way.

Wednesday Wisdom

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Just like that, January is over! if you didn’t start a new resolution or you fell out of the one you had, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT! you’re a human, you are unlearning years worth of habits, and things take time! give yourself the same grace and love that you give to your best friends, and step into your power 💕✨

Prompt

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What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I’m probably most scared to get up on stage and do any sort of performance- whether that be comedy or motivational speaking or singing or slam poetry. All things I admire and respect, yet I have fear around it because I never feel good enough. I’d probably have to do a lot more healing, soul-searching and confidence boosting before doing anything like that. Unless one of my idols invited me to an event, I’d have to take that as a sign to step up to the plate.

Bloguary Prompt

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What do you complain about the most?

I’d probably say that I complain the most about people. Mainly I am used to complaining about people at work who aren’t doing their jobs, but I recognize that complaining doesn’t help. This year I am at a new job, and the difference is that I am currently just observing and making notes and bringing this to the attention of my boss so we can try to come up with better processes. I also complain about people I know, but that is something I am actively working on this year, because I know I need to take accountability.

In general, this year I am working on discernment and speaking up. Instead of whining and complaining, this year I am focusing on solutions. This also applies to relationships with friends and family- instead of b*tching about someone’s behavior, I will take note and set boundaries where I see fit. If something does not have an effect on me, then I can take steps to remove myself and ignore. If something does bother me and affects me directly, it is my responsibility to speak up.

No one will ever know I am upset or bothered if I keep shoving it away, and honestly that hurts all parties in the end. It hurts me, because I am not expressing my needs or feelings, and it hurts them because I have basically been lying or hiding how I’ve actually been feeling. It may come as a shock to people when I actually start expressing my feelings, but it’s only fair to me to finally allow myself to trust in my feelings and advocate for myself.

No more fearing confrontation. No more people-pleasing. No more manipulating and invalidating my own feelings. No more whining and complaining about things that don’t impact me. No more faking niceness to “keep the peace” or to avoid hurting other people.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings, I am responsible for mine. I would never go out of my way to be disrespectful, but I also will no longer tolerate being disrespected. I deserve better, and I will do better.

Prompt:

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What are your favorite sports to watch and play?

I’ve never really been into watching playing sports, but I do remember as a child I enjoyed watching the synchronized diving in Olympics. I also liked watching ice skating, which probably had a lot to do with the fact that I loved to go to the ice rink with my friends.

I currently know I enjoy roller blading but I don’t do it often and it’s not something I think I’d ever get into competitively, but I do enjoy how free I feel when I’m just rolling around with the wind in my hair!