Share what you know about the year you were born.
According to my mother, it was the hottest summer in the state in decades and of course I was born at the tail end of July LOL. I also know Lion King must have recently come out, because Simba was my first stuffed animal (now that I looked that up, Lion King was 1994, I was born in 1995- not shocking it stayed popular for a while).
Are you a good judge of character?
When I initially read this, I thought “absolutely!” and then had a sudden flashback to when I thought this girl at my work was normal and she definitely was NOT. She was sort of a stalker of sorts honestly, and sometimes I still can’t help but judge myself when I literally LET HER CAT SIT MY BABIES WHEN MY HUSBAND (boyfriend at the time) AND I WENT ON VACATION. Luckily I no longer have contact with her, however I still recently was shown a picture where I discovered she named her baby boy the same name as my husband… but back to the prompt.
I decided to google “what makes a good judge of character,” and according to the AI generated response, I will still go with my initial reaction, I am very observant, I listen well, I notice when people are inconsistent in their words and actions, and putting all of this together can assist in making a good judge of character. I also need to trust my intuition more, which is something I’m working on in my current life. I truly do feel that I am a good judge of character, I think my issue with the situation I described at the beginning of my post was just being too trusting too soon.
I am a very empathetic person and at points in my life it has definitely been to my detriment- this weird coworker situation being one of them. I was already friends with one of the girls in that tiny billing office (let’s call her Amanda), and had discovered that I went to high school with the other girl, so I was pretty open and friendly in the beginning with everyone in there. I also had already worked for the company before, so I had already met this other girl (let’s call her Bethany) and never knew of anyone having any problems with her.
I had started at that job in September (years ago, but I’m not trying to go into specifics), and by Halloween my friend Amanda and I were celebrating in my downtown area with Bethany and her other friend and husband, Amanda and I had our boyfriends there as well, and everyone had a relatively good time. Since Bethany actually lived in my same town (yup… super uncomfy) we had made plans to go bowling another night with our significant others. When we did, honestly everything seemed normal. The whole forming of a friendship seemed normal…until it didn’t.
We had these weird work schedules and there would be times when Bethany and I would work just the two of us for an hour or so. Suddenly this girl would just start talking about very sexual shit, like girl had zero boundaries and honestly I had no clue where this was coming from. I’m a pretty conservative person and do not discuss that type of thing with friends, let alone coworkers… in the work place! It was so uncomfortable and I felt so awkward and just would try to ignore or redirect the conversation to work.
She also started to seem to like everything I liked and it started to feel weird. I talked once about how I would sometimes hula-hoop because I wanted to learn how to do cool tricks and dances, and the next day Bethany comes into work like “I wanna learn how to hula-hoop, let’s hoop together.” I also started listening to Gabby Bernstein and then suddenly she’s like “Oh I paid for her manifesting challenge, I can print two copies if you want one!”
As I mentioned earlier on, I had let this girl watch my cats when we had gone on a vacation (this was prior to all of the weird sexual talk and copycat behavior). Since Bethany knew where I lived, she decided to show up at my house unannounced one day. I was actually out with my cousin at the time, but my husband (bf at the time) was home. Luckily, he did not answer the door and he was honestly creeped out, as was I! Like bruh, my own mother does not show up unannounced… why the fuck do you think you can? According to her, she just wanted to show me her new scooter she rode over to the house.
So then I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with her at work, which I made sure not to do in front of anyone else, that she cannot come to my house unannounced as we do not like that. She basically kinda laughed about it, which I was hoping was just a cope laugh, but I also had to tell her that we are coworkers and not friends. Like I want everything to be normal at work, but that’s it. I kinda tried to use the boss and company as reasoning like I just didn’t want the drama, because it’s uncomfortable to straight up tell someone that they are weirding you out.
I mean this is something I’m working on with the people-pleasing, because I am very much aware I am allowed to speak up when I’m uncomfortable. I am no longer prioritizing other people’s comfort over my own. I feel like many people do fawn in situations, statistically women do more, and I wish women were just taught to be more assertive as young girls. I should not have felt so weird to just call her out and let her know I’m feeling uncomfortable and do not wish to talk to her.
I did end up going to the boss and letting her know how uncomfortable I was. At this point she kept bringing me my coffee order and saying things like “I had a free coffee! The universe has your back!” which is a Gabby Bernstein book. *eye-roll HARD* Not to mention I completely skipped the part where she was bringing her AirPods into the bathroom, but leaving her phone in the office with the little “ear” device on so she could listen to all of us in the office when she wasn’t in there. Yeah, Bethany really was some sort of wacko I hope to never come across again.
The more I observed Bethany, the more I recognized how all her value came from external validation and attention. She needed everyone else to like her. She made every situation somehow about her, and she’d always make herself the victim. Complete covert narcissist. Literally we had a girl working with us for several months, and during her time there, she had announced that she was pregnant. We were all so excited for her, except for Bethany.
Bethany wanted a baby of her own, and it was not happening for her at that time. Side note: honestly, even though she is not my favorite person, I was so happy for her when I was told that she was pregnant and when she had her baby a couple months ago. I have her blocked on everything so I wouldn’t have known without someone else telling me, and now I kind of wish I didn’t know, because I will forever be weirded out that her baby and my husband have the same name. Especially because she met my husband and also seemed to be oddly obsessed with him too in my opinion.
Okay I got off on a tangent for a second (and this entire prompt that turned into a whole ass story LOL), but Bethany was upset that our other coworker was pregnant. She literally said to me once “I think she’s rubbing in my face” and I said “I think she’s just excited to have a baby girl and a baby she will have all the time” (because she already had a boy and was actively fighting for full custody with her ex).
Our pregnant coworker ended up quitting a couple months before her due date, and in August we got the devastating news that she had actually passed away during childbirth. We were all very shocked and shook up by this incident, but I was also very shocked at what Bethany had to say.
She said, within literally minutes of learning this news, “this really hits home for me dealing with my infertility” ……. WHAT?! First of all, way to make HER FUCKING DEATH ABOUT YOU!! But also, our late coworker didn’t have any “infertility” issues, her death was a rare accident and she was full-term in her pregnancy. Literally what the fuck are you talking about? I was completely confused as to what was coming out of her mouth and was appalled that someone could make this horrific tragedy about themselves.
Once I was truly observing Bethany, I wanted nothing to do with her. We were not aligned in anything, no matter how much she would try to convince me that we were. I have learned a valuable lesson to allow myself time to observe and listen before diving into trust and closeness. I don’t think I’ll let anyone new ever watch my cats again, or know where I reside, and I will be more vocal when I am uncomfortable, because if you have no problem making me uncomfortable, then I have no problem returning the favor. Life is all about lessons, and typically the hardest situations allow for the most growth.
When are you most happy?
When my husband and I are both feeling healthy and we don’t have any set plans for an entire weekend, that makes me happy. I love not feeling rushed or like I’m restricted to any schedule, and I enjoy the peace of it all- even if some find that peace to be boring.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my nervous system was so dysregulated for so long, and I used to be extremely uncomfortable when it was time to be calm.
I’d never allow myself to relax, I looked at rest as a privilege rather than a necessity, and I just constantly burned myself out with never-ending to-do lists. Now that I have recognized the importance of rest and I have become more regulated, I absolutely love “boring” weekends.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love connecting and conversing with good friends as well. I find that Face-timing or spending times with friends fills my heart with love and typically boosts my energy-there’s just something about a weekend at home with my life-partner that allows for a full re-charge, and just keeps my heart so full.
What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
Lately I’ve been leaving a blank notebook out on the kitchen island and I find myself doodling little bits and phrases. I am not great at drawing, but I love writing and it’s a fun way to just pause and get some thoughts out! Sometimes it’s based on a song I’m listening to in the moment or a show I’m watching, and sometimes it’s just random thoughts that pop in my brain, but I’ve been having a lot of fun with that lately.
Less than a week before Christmas, and although the days have felt slightly overwhelming, I feel a sense of love and peace in the air this morning.
Sending healing vibes to my husband who is not feeling 100% right now.
Sending happy birthday wishes to my friend’s children today.
Sending well wishes to my coworker whose daughter gets surgery today.
Sending healing energy to my friend who also has been battling a rough cold this past week.
Overall just sending love to all who need a little extra this season.
List your top 5 grocery store items.
Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
My husband is the most patient man I know (except for if you’re driving slow in traffic LOL). For the past 13 years, he has been by my side, supporting me and loving me through my mental health journey and has never made me feel unlovable.
I get really reactive when I mess something up. It triggers the perfectionism in me- like I am not allowed to make mistakes, like all of my work was for nothing, like I’m a failure. Sometimes I feel the spiral coming and I just let it. Instead of using my tools or pausing to breathe, sometimes I just let it overtake me.
Am I too tired to use my tools, or am I punishing myself because I feel like I deserve it? I know I’m not too lazy to change and do the work, because I’ve made so much noticeable progress over the years- so is it self-sabotage? Is it just being a fucking human being with an ego? Is it hormones? Did I eat enough today? No.
Today was just annoying in and of itself, I was over all of it. Today feels like a regression, but I am now recognizing as I type this that this is part of the journey to becoming emotionally mature. Paying attention to these things that get me so bothered and actually trying to understand them.
Like I am very aware that I grew up in a reactive household. I also am aware that I had a verbally abusive father who often told me I was a dumbass, and even told me that I’d fail when I moved out on my own and I’d be crying to come back there. So failure just never feels like the option- but who is here to “punish me” when I fail? No one… so I do it. But why? Would I scream at a friend or my husband for making a simple mistake like dropping an eggshell in batter? Absolutely not! But that is 100% what sent me on a spiral this evening.
Granted again, I had a rough day as it is just getting triggered about people and their lack of work ethic, but why does that bother me? Likely, because I have been working for what feels like most of my life and always have put pride into what I do. I have also worked for shitty employers who did not appreciate my work, and I am blessed to say I don’t have that problem anymore- so that’s why I get triggered when I can see good bosses being taken advantage of. However, I can focus on myself and stay in my line and keep doing my job, and that is definitely what is best for myself and my mental health.
Back to the whole thing where I feel like I’m stupid when I fuck up- I am very much aware that I hold myself to insane standards that I don’t expect from anyone else… I just struggle to let it go. I struggle because I feel that my high standards are what got me to where I am today. Moving out at 19, buying a house at 21, working upwards in my career, having a stable relationship- weren’t my high standards for myself the reason I could do all of this?
When I actually think about that… no they aren’t. Me being me and being able to reach out for help and use resources is the reason I’m able to do the things I do. Holding myself to insane expectations only allows me to feel rigid and anxious when things aren’t going right- but failure is just an opportunity to learn and pivot.
Failure is an inevitable thing in life- I hear it in so many self-help podcast interviews with successful people. They always say that failure is basically step one- we all have to fail to be able to learn and grow for the next experience. Today I learned that I will always crack eggs in a separate container before mixing them in batter so it is easier to remove the shell. I wouldn’t have learned that without dropping the shells in.
The best part of all of this stupid eggshell story is that I got the eggshells out of the batter eventually anyways! So I had an entire spiral of negativity for no reason; but also since I believe that everything happens for a reason- I guess this was it. I honestly am proud of myself that I even took time to sit and journal myself out of the triggered state.
I really do want to stop punishing myself and holding myself to such high standards, and now I can refer back to this post where I literally show myself how doing those things aren’t necessary or helpful at all. This one thing won’t fix it all, this will be a repetitive process until I build a strong habit, and I am very much willing to do the work. Guess I’ll start with giving myself grace and celebrating this little win of slowing down and dissecting my thoughts with curiosity.
Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?
Honestly, it is! Mainly because a year ago I knew I’d be married and calming back down from the busy year, and that’s exactly what’s going on. I’m just feeling so warm, even in this chilly weather.
I saw two different cars with license plates this morning that had “000.” I don’t often see that angel number, but I remember making a cute design for all angel numbers back when I was putting them on my Instagram, so I pulled up what I made:
“New opportunities and new connections.” I have been decluttering our home and letting go of old mindsets and habits – all of which is making room for the “new” to arrive. I am trusting in the universe and my angels and I am feeling grateful- thank you, thank you, thank you!
finding light in the dark 