What are the most important things needed to live a good life?
• time to spend with genuine friends and family
• true connection and love- even if it’s platonic love- love is necessary
• access to food and clean water
• a roof over your head to sleep safely at night
• financial stability. when I say this I mean to be able to afford the bills you have and still be able to save and live
Describe one of your favorite moments.
Standing at the altar on our wedding day; toes in the sand, the waves crashing behind us, and the slight breeze caressing our skin. The heat of the sun was nothing compared to the warmth that came from being surrounded by 23 of our favorite people, all there to celebrate and support our love. When the officiant had us hold each other’s hands and just look at one another, we couldn’t help but surrender to truly feeling and being in love, and we let the tears fall.
What notable things happened today?
On my way to work this morning I could not get myself together, so I ended up texting my bosses and calling off. Last night we found out that my husband’s cousin lost her battle with cancer. Her health started to rapidly decline recently, and she passed away yesterday morning.
Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. One moment you’re frozen in shock; complete disbelief- almost numb. The next moment, all the emotions come crashing down and around you- completely engulfed in the heaviness. The next you start to think about how grateful you are to have had time with your loved one… to have had them there at your wedding only less than a year ago- then the sadness washes back.
I felt guilty for calling in and being an emotional wreck while my husband, the one who is blood related to his cousin, is at work and holding it together. We are here for each other, we comfort one another, yet I feel guilty for being the one who seems to need more of it. At the same time, I am just a feeling person. I’m sensitive and I love hard, so the loss is hard.
I also am spiritual, unlike my husband, and I right after we found out about his cousin’s passing, I had to tell him about the butterfly I saw. When I was at work yesterday morning, a large, gorgeous black butterfly flew over to the window by my desk. I honestly don’t recall ever seeing a black butterfly before, and definitely not one of this size. I was so amazed and captivated by this butterfly that I couldn’t help but just be in that moment.
When we found out about her passing, after the initial shock and tears I thought about that butterfly. I couldn’t help but think… was that her? This brought a moment of peace amidst the grief: she was telling me that she was still here with me (us) but in a different form now.
Today I am sitting in the grief. I am releasing the guilt and shame about how I grieve. I am not ashamed of how deeply I feel and how much I love people. As a child I was often shamed for my big emotions, which is where this icky feeling stems from; but I know I am not being dramatic. I am being human.
Today I am also leaning into my spirituality and beliefs in our angels on the other side. The signs I see are clear to me, and I know that our loved one is watching us and supporting us from the other side. She had so much love for us here earth-side, so I can only imagine the power of her divine love.
Today I saw a black butterfly
Flying by the window near my desk
I had never recalled seeing such a unique creature
A black butterfly? Was it really?
I kept watching it as it flew past the window in the next room over and then to the next
It was so large and captivating
I couldn’t help but just pay attention to that butterfly in that moment
I just admired in awe
Tonight we got a sad message that a loved one of ours passed away this morning
She was a positive force in this world
So authentic, so caring
She was always smiling and laughing
She truly had the best energy
She remained in strong spirits during her fight with cancer, and today she rests comfortably in peace
This morning I believe she visited me in the form of a black butterfly
Her presence was strong, and captivating
I couldn’t help but just be in that moment
A moment for her to say she is still here, just in another form
Always beautiful
Always remembered
Always missed
Always loved
What are you passionate about?
I’m passionate about healing and mental health. I personally have grown so much throughout my healing journey, and although it took years of trying to find the right medications and the right therapist, it was so worth it. Instead of completely hating my brain and being taken over by my anxiety, I now understand why my brain is wired the way that it is, and it allows me to give myself grace and actually love myself throughout the healing process.
If we’re constantly in a state of shame and guilt, it makes it a lot harder to actually allow ourselves to heal, because we often don’t even believe that we deserve to have a better life. There’s that whole saying “you can’t shame yourself worthy, real change begins with self-love.” The difference between wanting to rip out the part of your brain that is causing your anxiety/depression/OCD vs. looking at it with empathy and compassion is HUGE.
When we start to become self-aware and actually understand why we are the way we are and we learn to love ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others. The harsher we judge ourselves, the more judgmental we are of other people. The more love and grace we can give to ourselves, the more we recognize how all of us are just humans, all having our own struggles and just trying to survive while also getting out of survival mode.
When it comes to jails and prison, there needs major mental health reform. The reason people commit crimes typically stems from their own brain/traumas, and although people should be punished for their crimes, there also needs to be serious mental rehabilitation if we ever went these humans to heal and thrive. Even those who are stuck in prison for life, being locked in isolation and/or treated like animals is not going to help the brain to heal and function properly.
I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health is more widely accepted and discussed- I do worry that some people are over-prescribed and mis-diagnosed, but hopefully as time goes on we can get the best people in the field and have people living their absolutely best lives. It is wild to be able to be present and have times where I feel at peace, when I once lived with such crippling self-hatred and anxiety.
I took a moment this morning to pause and set myself in the shoes of those who are anxious and angry right now- this is what came about:
Imagine getting ripped away from your family, or watching yours get ripped away from you.
Imagine fearing going to work or walking down the street because you think you may get mistakenly arrested or even kidnapped by your own goverment.
Imagine not knowing what tomorrow holds for you or your family… this is how so many people are feeling at this time.
If you don’t understand, then you’re blessed not to, so take time to recognize that. Before you judge someone for how they are handling their fears and the chaos that is around them, take a moment to remember how humans operate in survival mode. Take a moment to think about what you’d do if you saw your own parent/sibling/child was taken from you.
We are all HUMAN BEINGS on the SAME PLANET. No one should be treated as less than the other. Sending love to all of my friends who are feeling extra anxious and fearful at this time. sending love to everyone who is impacted by the riots and ICE and whatever tf is going on with our government right now.
I am privileged to be so “disconnected” from this by not watching the news, but in my soul I can feel the weight of this collective fear, and I cannot remain silent. again, we’re all humans on this planet, and we all deserve to live loving, peaceful, and free lives.
What is your favorite season of year? Why?
I personally love summer because of the warm weather, pool days, and I’m typically in a better mood just due to there being more sunshine!
What’s the one luxury you can’t live without?
First thought: my iced coffee in the morning. That’s my favorite little luxury of every day before work.
If humans had taglines, what would yours be?
✨BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED ✨
That would ideally be how I would operate in this world, reminding myself that I am surrounded by angels and guides who care deeply about me and my higher purpose.
In reality it’s probably more like: “empathetic, anxious, and overall just a lot.” 😂😂
That photo is from yesterday, my to-go coffee from our favorite breakfast place. My husband and I got on the road right after we paid and made it to our family around 3pm! We got to visit with my great grandma on her 97th birthday, which was so nice. She’s back in her nursing home after being the hospital, and she has some physical therapy to go through, but overall she is in good spirits!
It was such a nice weekend and I’m honestly looking forward to the week ahead! I re-start my hip hop dance class this week and I also just started my free trial of audible so I’m looking forward to listening to books while I work! I’m going to lay down and relax for the evening- I hope everyone has a lovely night and great week ahead!
finding light in the dark 