My english professor from my community college is the first person who came to mind. I remember that he was a firefighter before he became a professor, but I swear this man should have been a therapist. I’ll be honest though, and I cannot for the life of me remember his name right now! That makes it sound like he wasn’t very memorable, but truly he was someone who I appreciated.

I decided to take English 101 and 102 in one semester, so this class had a decent amount of writing in it… my favorite! We read some of our own professor’s work and analyzed articles, and we wrote papers on almost everything we read. What I really enjoyed about this particular professor is that he always took time to speak one on one with his students about their work.

I remember him talking to me about my paper about helicopter parents, and I swear I was like “why is my english professor my therapist right now…” but he actually opened my eyes a little bit to something I was ignoring. He had said to me that he could see how angry I was at my father through my writing, and he turned and said “but you know you’re angry with somebody else too, right?” It was my mother.

It’s not like I didn’t know it, I just always was holding her on this higher pedestal compared to my father, but in reality she was just as involved by not removing me from the toxic environment. I had no problem throwing blame on my father, because he had said some of the worst things to me and quite frankly I didn’t feel bad about being angry with him; but being angry with my mother… that brought on more guilt.

I had grown up looking at her like she was also the victim of emotional and verbal abuse. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely was, but she was also the same parent preaching that once you have a child, they become your priority. Apparently my safety and childhood memories weren’t a priority against the alcohol.

That may sound cold, and I promise I am empathetic to the situation; but I also have denied my own anger and emotions for so long that I cannot feel guilty for sharing my truth. I can be aware that people are dealing with their own traumas and issues, but that doesn’t excuse abusive behavior.

I’ve done a lot of healing, learning, and unlearning throughout my life, and I know that anger has always been a very present emotion for me. I have learned how suppressing anger can lead to people-pleasing, and people-pleasing leads to resentment, which in turn keeps you in a never ending cycle of anger. I no longer wish to hold onto my anger.

I’ve been doing a lot of releasing happening over these last couple weeks. Lots of tears, both of happiness and of grief. I grieve the years I lost to an angry childhood home, yet I feel so blessed that I found my soulmate at such a young age so I could escape. I grieve the memories I lack due to living in a hyper-vigilant state for most of my life, yet I feel grateful to be so present in my current everyday life- especially when this was something I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to feel.

I found therapy after community college, but I believe that professor really had an influence on how I was reviewing my childhood. I remember how I found it so interesting that a professor who barely knew me was able to see right through me- especially when I always felt so misunderstood by my parents. I will always remember that professor, and I am grateful that I took his class even though I currently don’t remember his name.

• let go

• play/have fun

• have deep conversations with good people

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned tattoos on here before, but I have quite a few LOL. I have a full sleeve that goes onto my hand on my left arm, and I am currently working towards a leg sleeve as well on that same side. I have tattoos on my back, my sternum, my feet, my ribs, and even a small one going down the back of my neck. I have one tattoo on my right arm that my husband and I got after we got married, and it’s our original/dating anniversary and our wedding anniversary (same date, 13 years apart)! I do want more, but I feel like a lot of those ideas will come to me in our journey through life and eventually into parenthood.

My first thought was anxious, but I have worked so hard on managing my anxiety that I hope that’s not how I come off anymore. However, I know I had that thought because I have noticed my anxiety has been a bit high the last couple days. This may sound odd, but I wonder if it has anything to do with my body remembering that this is about when Covid was everywhere and we were all shutting down five years ago. I keep feeling anxious like something big and bad is going to happen, but in reality I don’t have any control over worldly disasters, nor would I want that control. I just don’t really have any stress going on in my life where I need to be feeling this anxious, so I’m wondering where it’s coming from.

When I think of a cross-country trip, I just automatically thought of a road trip for some reason. In reality though, I am definitely someone who prefers to fly if it’s more than like a 5-6 hour drive somewhere.

I know one reason is because I do get car sick; luckily it’s usually when I’m in the back seat, but still I have to be mindful to be looking forward and not down when I’m in the front as well.

Another reason is that if I know I am vacationing in Florida, I don’t want to spend 12+ hours in a car on the way there because it feels like I’m cutting into my vacation time. If I only have a week off and I have to spend two of those days driving, that’s two days less on the beach when I could have taken a 2-3 hour flight and had more time!

I’d definitely drive a car before taking a bus or train though as I would feel more in control being on my own schedule. I also would never bike because although I know how to, I can’t imagine I’d be able to go miles without being extremely sore and uncomfortable LOL.

When I think of someone who is confident, I think of someone who is authentically themselves in all situations. I think of someone who isn’t afraid to try new things and isn’t scared of “failing” or not being “perfect.” Confidence looks like a long neck and relaxed shoulders (aka not scrunching your shoulders up to your neck), as well as looking forward, rather than down at the ground.

I know I don’t really know her, but when I think of confidence I think of Mel Robbins. She seems authentic and sure of who she is, and I feel the confidence radiating from the mic when I’m listening to her podcast.

I absolutely love when I’m roller blading at the local roller rink. I just feel the wind against me and I jam along to some music, it’s so freeing! I also tend to lose track of time when I’m actually dedicating time to writing- and I’ll admit lately I’ve been slacking with these blog posts.

When I actually take time to write about a certain topic or situation, I can just write and edit for hours without even realizing the time is going by. Sometimes I look back at things I’ve written and I’m like… I wrote that??? It’s kind of weird, like I almost go into a trance sometimes, but I definitely feel present in the writing as well. That really doesn’t make much sense when I write it out, but that’s how I feel LOL.

I’ve watched The Office so many times I couldn’t even tell you the number. Same for the movies Think Like A Man and Think Like A Man Too, as well as The Proposal, You Again, Grown Ups, and honestly a bunch of comfort movies. I feel like it’s hard for me to commit to new movies and so I end up watching familiar films to give me comfort.