Public speaking isn’t my favorite, which is also another reason why I have delayed started my podcast. I did well when I took a public speaking class in college, but it still makes me so nervous to think about speaking in front of large crowds. I know my podcast at least will be recorded in the comfort of my house and my own company, but knowing that I want to post it publicly does make me nervous too. I’m sure the nerves also have something to do with the fact that I’d be talking about my own personal story and healing journey (vulnerable af). I’ve done things in the past that have been out of my comfort zone and I have been totally fine, so I know once I finally pull the trigger and record I’ll be okay.
I didn’t record my podcast episode, and I am giving myself grace about it. I will record soon, and I know this is just my brain getting into survival mode and putting me in a freeze state. I am feeling my way through it and I see exactly where all this fear is stemming from.
As a child my father would often tell me that I had no voice. He’d remind me that I had zero power or control in the home, because I was just the child. Also, being a child of alcoholics, I kept that part of my life a secret from everyone outside of the house (except for a couple close friends as I got older). I was always keeping quiet as a way to be safe, so my brain automatically shut down when I went to start recording my podcast episode.
I am working through this feeling, reminding myself that I am allowed to have a voice. All I have to do is speak the truth and remember my intentions. People will judge regardless, and that is not my business or my problem. I know my intentions and I know who I am- that is all that matters. I am not putting a harsh timeline on this, but I am determined to start recording this year!
I currently only have Instagram and Snapchat. I use snapchat to stay in touch with friends, sending pictures and videos to them individually and also sharing stuff to my story. As far as Instagram, I go through phases of creating/sharing reels and I love seeing funny videos as well as spiritual and inner child memes! I often share those to my stories and sometimes reshare them to Snapchat as well.
I am not a religious person, so I did not go to church this morning. I haven’t been to church since I was a small child, and I vividly remember vomiting while singing hymns and my uncle telling me that the devil came out of me that day. So that’s my experience with religion, plus lots of veggie tales. My parents were religious when I was younger, they apparently even had bible study nights with their friends and they said I was there for those too as a toddler. Of course I do not remember this.
As an adult I’ve been on my own spiritual journey, and I very much believe in a higher power. I do speak to my angels and guides, I see signs and synchronicities often, but I still struggle with the word/name “God.” I think it is because when I picture this higher power, I do not see it as one entity. If anything I feel most comfortable saying “source,” because I see it all as a big, beautiful light and we all have this light inside of us. So if there is one “entity,” it’s our collective as a whole.
How I see the world is that we all have the light and the dark. Some people have more darkness within them, stemming from wounds and traumas they’ve experienced or been passed down from previous generations, and some have more light as they’ve worked through their traumas and found community to help support them. The more that the light workers shine, the more they can help others to shine through their own darkness.
Today, let’s spread our light to everyone. Smile at strangers, let people in during traffic, practice patience in moments when you feel aggravated, and just focus on the gratitude and blessings all around you. I feel so lucky to be alive today, and I am grateful to be able to spend time with my husband and just enjoy this day of rest.
I just woke up and I am ready for this wonderful Saturday! Breakfast date with my husband, possibly a little bit of clothing shopping, and recording my first podcast episode! Well, my first episode for my own podcast- technically I was on an episode of my friend’s podcast a couple years back.
Today I wrote out the draft for episode one of my podcast. The goal is to record it sometime this weekend. They always say that you just have to start- so I am starting now.
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
About five years ago, I decided to leave a toxic work environment. I had been having extreme anxiety where I was literally throwing up every day before work (working for a narcissist will do that), and when I finally decided to leave, I took a pay cut. I learned so many lessons from that job/situation, but one of the main lessons: money isn’t worth your sanity.
This feels like a long week to me, but better than the long week I had in pain after my surgery. I am still having a bit of pain/soreness where my tonsils were so I am glad I have my follow up / post op appointment tomorrow. It is continuing to improve, but I still am not 100% and I hope I will be soon.
I saw my favorite Instagram page posted a couple prompts today in regards to communication, so I thought, why not answer those here on my blog? The reason for the post/prompts is because Mercury, the planet of communication, is transitioning into the sign of Aries. According to astrologers, this is a time for fierce and honest words from the heart to be unleashed unapologetically.
Here are the prompts from SistersVillage:
1. I have not started my podcast (or written my book for that matter) out of fear of hurting others…mainly family members. I know that harsh truths can be hard to hear, and the whole point of my podcast would be to tell my story as authentically and honestly as possible. It’s hard to bring up where my parents have had their faults, as I am not trying to shame them or make the whole rest of our family aware of their issues; but at the same time, I have overcome a lot in my life and I know that my journey could inspire others to keep going during hard times. There were many times in my younger years where I was lost and angry, and I often felt that I did not have role models, but instead I had people showing me the life I did not want to live. Luckily, I do not live that life anymore, but it took a lot of work and reflection to stop myself from becoming consumed in my trauma.
Okay, I have to pause for a second before I answer this next prompt because I just saw 5:55 on the clock and I am crying at the timing. 555 is the angel number for CHANGE! Talk about a synchronicity! I just feel so connected to my angels and the universe in this moment, so the pause is necessary. Call me delusional, but I’d rather get excited over numbers than sit here having anxious intrusive thoughts any day. Anyways, onto the next prompt!
2. Prompt two goes with number one: my podcast. I am holding myself back from my dreams, and have been for years now. The calling never goes away either, I basically think about it every day. I distract myself with scrolling and watching TV. I keep saying it isn’t the time or I don’t know how to start, but none of that is actually true. I am the only person in my way, and it’s about time that I stop holding myself back.
Today I go back to work after being off for over a week. I’m definitely glad to have my tonsillectomy behind me considering how rough that recovery was. I have some minor pain still, but the morning is typically the worst for me and then I feel better after a couple hours (I think it’s from snoring possibly).
I honestly did not sleep well last night- my mind was racing a lot and it makes sense because I have been off my routine and I knew I was going back to work today. The good news is that I like my job, and my bosses are aware I need to catch up on things so I can ease back into things. I’m ready to get back to the daily routine, and with how tired I am right now, I know I will definitely sleep well tonight.
finding light in the dark 