spirit

Easter Sunday

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What a gorgeous day to be alive and writing this post from my kitchen island. Iced coffee to my left, R&B radio in my headphones, and sun beaming in through the windows. I am here. I am here in my home, surrounded by love, my love. I feel so connected to my fiancé, and so grateful to be in this space. Today we get to relax and just be with each other, as we enjoy the peace in our lives. This is the closing chapter before marriage, and before we start our journey towards parenthood, and I am cherishing these moments. I know that as excited I am to start having children, there will be times that I will miss moments of silence and total freedom, so for now I am choosing to enjoy them.

Life is all about seasons, and I am working on embracing each one. I am not a religious person, however I can appreciate the energy of today: rebirth. This is spring; this is the time where we allow the rain to hydrate our souls, and allow the sun to shed light on our souls deepest desires. This is the time we turn toward our inner light and keep feeding it. Feed it with gratitude. Feed it with joy. Feed it with taking moments to simply breathe and allow your body to relax. Feed it with anything that feeds it! The world needs more light, more love, and more peace. Let us be what we wish to see in this world. Let us be reborn into the present moment. Let us embrace this season, and make it our own.

Ego Soul Blip

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My soul will live on, the ego will die along with the human body. The soul is who I relate more to: leading with love, empathy, and a nurturing heart. Knowing nothing is perfect, nor is it meant to be. Knowing that it’s not all about “me,” or even my human self, but it’s about all of us together. Humans thrive on connection. We lose ourselves in our ego, but that connection is what our souls need. We need peace. We need love. We need acceptance. We need trust. We are meant to feel all of the beautiful feelings and give so much love to ourselves, that we cannot help but pour love onto others.

Wednesday Wisdom

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I have been feeling so much better than I felt the first week of the year, and I am fully enjoying this time. I’m still practicing discernment in my life, I am limiting the amount of information I share with others and this even includes close friends.

It is not my responsibility or even my problem if someone else is sending jealous or some negative energy my way, because I know I am protected and my energy is mine regardless; but that doesn’t mean I want to be all willy nilly with what I share.

There’s good news around me, and instead of sharing for validation or sharing to celebrate, I find that celebrating with myself and for myself is more than sufficient for me. In reality, it feels better than sharing with others. Not that my friends don’t celebrate or care, but because I can give that to myself.

I am very aware that hyper-independence is a trauma response, but it also is a strength. I know I am living in alignment with my values; I am strengthening my relationship with the universe / God, which in turn has improved my relationship with myself. I know who I can ask for help, I know I have loved ones who are truly in my corner and are rooting for me, and even though that is a small group, it is a strong, supportive, caring group.

I don’t feel the need to share all of my plans and all of my goals with people who are just waiting for me to fail, or are projecting their own self-doubt onto me. I know that I still have yet to meet members of my soul family, and I am not here to be completely shut off or turn off my empathy, but I will continue to be selective and protect myself and my dreams first.

Thank you

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Thank you angels and guides of the highest good and best intentions for supporting and protecting my fiancé and I along our wedding journey. Thank you for bringing ease and peace to the process and for all of the extra abundance you’re sprinkling in- it is not unnoticed.

Thank you for supporting me in this new job and allowing me to show up as my best self, allowing me to advocate for myself, and allowing me to succeed every day.

Thank you for the warmth within our home, our blankets, our cars and the buildings we work in- as we are able to survive these severely low temperatures.

Thank you for allowing me to surrender my worries about health, money, home, and anything that is beyond my control over to you, and I trust that you will take care of everything in the best way.

I am growing, flowing, and glowing.

2023 Highlights, Lessons, and Blessings

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As we approach the end of 2023, I feel the need to reflect and appreciate all that this year has taught me. I feel so fresh and happy going into the new year with the new beginnings ahead, and I owe that to my own efforts that I have put in throughout this year. I still struggle sometimes to find time or care enough to actually celebrate myself, but I know how important it is to recognize our own strengths and triumphs as they encourage us to keep going and keep growing!

This year was full of love and laughter and so many blessings, and I feel like I was more present this year than ever before. I remember seeing Masego in concert earlier this year and having the best time in the upstairs VIP w/ my good friend and her sister. He put on such a great show and the venue was amazing! I also drove out to Minneapolis to meet up with one of my best friends from high school so we could see Bryce Vine! He also put on a great show with his dope pink hair as he floated across the crowd on a blow up flamingo LOL! I also got to experience the Mall of America for the first time!

This year I actually went to the roller rink twice- once for my friend’s birthday party and then I ended up using that idea as a part of my own 90s themed birthday party months later! My birthday party was honestly one of my favorite days, because I had so many of my closest friends all dressed up in their best 90s gear and we got to rollerblade and then got to chill back at our house listening to my 90s/early 2000s playlist that I spent way too much time curating LOL. The 90s theme was also inspired by a fun 90s night out that I got to attend for another friend of mine’s birthday about a month prior to mine!

This year I was able to reconnect with my childhood best friend and we have spent more time together than we have the last couple years. It’s felt so good to dive back into that authentic friendship and be able to laugh like we did as kids, but also be able to have fun conversations about astrology and the universe and not feel judged! We believe in the magic of the world and encourage each other to recognize it and seek it out! We also have improved our communication which has overall helped our friendship to thrive!

This summer my high school best friend and I went back to the sunflower field that we went to a couple years back and we had wine, walked through the fields and even got to cut our own sunflowers to bring home! Although my dress was making all of my sweat on my back and under-butt completely noticeable, I reminded myself that I didn’t know any of the other people around me, and human bodies sweat in the hot sun and didn’t let it ruin my time! It took me a minute to get out of the anxiety/embarrassment phase, but once I realized how laughable it was, I was able to get present again and enjoy myself.

I got to meet my new baby cousin this year and she is so sweet and adorable, I am excited to see her again for our January Christmas celebration! My fiancé also got to meet her at her “fairy first birthday party” which was so cute! I also enjoyed my annual girls weekend with my mom, grandma and aunts as we explored a small town in WI and stayed in a VRBO that has an amazing deck and view! One of the highlights from that trip is when my aunt and grandma asked me to autograph the poetry book that I was in- it’s still crazy to think I am a published author! I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and excited for me.

Of course, the most exciting part of 2023 for me was definitely when my fiancé asked me to marry him at our favorite breakfast place. The universe told me it was going to happen, and it may not make sense, but even though I felt it deep inside, I was still entirely surprised when that ring came out of my mimosa glass. Part of me feels like it knew that the proposal was coming, but I also was finally at such a sense of peace around waiting for that moment where I didn’t even think about it.

I do want to say, I used to get in my head and obsess over when it was going to happen. This year I recognized that there was no point in wondering and waiting when I knew it was going to happen eventually, so I did my best to release that anxiety around it and just lean into faith and patience. One day one of my friends was telling me how she was thinking and hoping her boyfriend was going to propose soon, and I remember having a moment later where my ego was screaming inside of me: “if she gets engaged before me I’m gonna be so pissed off because I have been waiting way longer than her!”

But after that thought, it’s almost like my soul stepped in to counter and I just had this thought: “The goal is not the engagement, the goal is the lasting relationship.” I paused. I didn’t know where this thought came from, but it completely shifted my mindset- the goal really was the lasting marriage/relationship, and considering we had already grown together and loved each other through 12 years, we technically already were living the goal! This is where I was able to completely let go of my anxiety around getting engaged, and they always say once your surrender is when you receive, and boy do I believe that.

There are so many other wonderful things that happened this year, and I am excited to take these memories and these life lessons into 2024 with me. I am starting a new job this coming year, I am planning a wedding, and my goal is to stay focused on the joy around me. I want to be completely present for my wedding and throughout the planning process, and I will do so by practicing gratitude along the way, and just focusing on all of the love I have in my life. I feel so lucky every day, and I am excited to see what 2024 brings! For now, I am going to finish off these last couple weeks of 2023 strong and with a positive attitude!

My Mind is Blown and I am Exhausted.

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Today has been interesting to say the least, and even though I was struck with a feeling of complete exhaustion, I was able to muscle through it. I allowed myself to just stretch and watch a tv show and just let my body relax, and then I got back up to finish up a project for a friend.

Honestly I am super proud of myself. I went to the grocery store today and I made a huge salad for the week and even made egg salad for the first time (which is FIRE by the way). I got the fruit all washed up and put into jars, as I had coworker tell me how she stores them in jars and they last longer and I’ve been doing it ever since. I even made breakfast for myself and my love!

I will say, during the time that I was making the food I was literally blown away and felt like I was completely losing my mind, yet finding it all at the same time. As I have talked about before, I am on a spiritual journey and I have slowly started to embrace it more. I am someone who has always believed in karma and in “signs,” but I never really noticed the signs as much as I do now. Lately I’ve been seeing all of the angel numbers (111, 1111, 444, etc.) and I’ve been trying to focus on the positives in life.

Before I started to wash and prep my food for the week, I wanted to make sure I had some music or a podcast to listen to. I originally was going to listen to some Lana Del Rey that I hadn’t listened to before, but after listening to one song I quickly realized I wanted to switch to a podcast instead. I knew right away that I wanted to listen to House of Herby, which is singer/songwriter Qveen Herby’s podcast, and I started with their “Transformation” episode from 2022, and listened to that as well as the episode after that titled: “How to Manifest.”

Now, I’ll be honest, I cannot remember whether this was mentioned in that first episode or second one, but at one point Amy (Qveen) brings up the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Now this is exact book that my therapist is currently working through and keeps citing during our sessions, and I kept putting off buying it; that was until I heard this episode.

So naturally I go on Amazon to see how much the book is and I add it to the cart. I need to note that I am definitely more of a bargain hunter and I save money where I can, so with that being said I do not pay for Amazon Prime. Amazon gives you free shipping if you spend a certain amount of money even if you don’t have Prime, so I just always make sure to hit that minimum so I don’t have to pay for shipping. I decided that I’d buy a couple other books that I’ve had on my list.

One of these was “The Universe has your back” By Gabrielle Bernstein, and the other is “Letting Go” By David Hawkins which I heard about on an earlier episode of the House of Herby. I get my free shipping and then I go to choose a payment method and BAM! I have enough cashback on my Discover to cover the ENTIRE ORDER! Like helllooooo!! Thank you, Universe!

Now that the order is placed it’s back to working on my egg salad. It came time for the mayonnaise to get added in… and tell me why Amy and Nick literally start talking about mayonnaise out of nowhere! It was at the exact moment I was spooning out some mayo from the jar and they start talking about “scraping mayo off of manifestation.” So of course I start freaking out and I pause the episode and start telling my boyfriend about how we’re all clearly in a simulation, and when I return back to the podcast Amy is saying how she doesn’t even know how they got to mayonnaise in this episode. Like girl, tell me about it!

So if that wasn’t weird enough, later on in the episode they are talking about law of attraction and synchronicity and she literally says: “the universe has your back! just as Gabrielle Bernstein says.” ……. LOL excuse me? I just ordered that book??? What?? Mind you, I have other books of Gabby’s and I love her work, but I just happened to purchase that exact book of hers less than an hour ago?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

So I try to calm myself down while simultaneously recognizing that big daddy Google must be so far up my ass that I have figured out my own life’s algorithm, and I continue meal prepping and listening to the episode. My boyfriend is in the kitchen at this point and emptying the dishwasher and I start telling him like “I just bought that book! After buying the book that she talked about that my therapist also has!” And we chat and keep listening and then Nick brings up “Letting Go” by David Hawkins. I literally was shooketh. I exclaimed: “THAT WAS THE OTHER BOOK I BOUGHT.” Literally I felt like I was definitely co-creating with the universe at this point.

In that moment I was so overjoyed at all of the synchronicities happening and I was feeling so in tune with myself and the universe. I felt like I was right where I should be, and I just know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Life is a lot easier when you focus on the things you do have control over, rather than worrying about the “what ifs” and missing out the present moment.

Overall today was a great Sunday, and I am so glad I’ve learned to love Sundays, and that I was present for all of todays beauty. 7:27 on the clock now- I’ve been seeing that a lot lately- with that I will sign off. Time for more relaxing! So grateful for this life.

Who am I?

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Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?

Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?

Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?

Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?

Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?

Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?

Who am I?

I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.

I am light, even with the shadow.

I am love, even with the heaviness.

I am peace, even with the chaos.

Solar Eclipse / Self Check-In

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This morning we will experience a solar eclipse. Although I only dabble in astrology and I don’t believe everything I see or read, I definitely believe that our energy is affected by the planets, sun and moon. Especially for me, being highly-sensitive/empathic definitely allows me to feel the shifts.

I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week: I had one where I met Taylor Swift, which was a super fun and relaxed dream, but I also had a dream that I needed to take in a 12-year old child to take care of and that I needed to convince my boyfriend to adopt him. I really don’t spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, although I always say that I want to and then don’t, but I feel like maybe my dreams are trying to remind me to see the good in myself.

Throughout this year I’ve been battling with myself about the idea of me being a fraud. I kept feeling like because I have some negative thoughts or judgments about other people’s actions that made my niceness and empathy fake. However, I know that during the human experience we are going to experience dualities in our lives, and some like to break it down between the Ego and the Soul.

As I’ve been more aware and I’ve been open in my therapy sessions, I’ve recognized that I am not a fraud at all- I am simply a human being. If someone else does something that does not align with my values, it is normal to feel put off by that. Me trying to empathize with them and still being nice and supportive about other parts of them or their life doesn’t make me fake, because I truly do try to see other people’s perspectives and I care about others.

I think where I struggle is that sometimes I wonder if I should be bringing up to that person how I am seeing their actions and behaviors from my lens. I know I am not God and I do not know what is best for anyone at all, but I feel dishonest sometimes if I am not being fully transparent about how I feel about something. At the same time though, it isn’t my job to tell people about themselves or change anyone. This is where my battle lies, but it’s easy for me to just say “If this doesn’t impact my life directly, then I am not going to bring anything up.” Which isn’t really wrong, but something in me still feels inauthentic.

It is not my job to fully understand anyone or everyone, it is my job to understand myself. It is not my job to tell people about how I see them, it is my job to treat them with respect, while simultaneously setting my own boundaries with them. Distancing from people is nothing to feel guilty about, especially when you know that a conversation has no chance of going anywhere (i.e. narcissistic people, people with victim mentality).

All I can do is listen to my gut and spend time with those who fill my cup, rather than just use me to fill theirs. I am sensitive, which allows me to be nurturing. I am grateful, which allows me to be happy and to spread my joy. I am resilient, which allows me to give hope. I am emotional, which allows me to be empathetic to others. I deserve to be around people who make me feel light and recharged, not drained and confused.

I will continue to heal myself and listen to my intuition, and I am grateful for this next chapter. This solar eclipse represents transformation, illumination, and abundance and I am ready for it all.

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

The other day, I asked for a sign

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A sign that you were still watching and guiding me. I asked for something that would absolutely make me know it’s you, but couldn’t give too many specific examples.

I went to write in my blog today and noticed two drafts: one with a prompt as the title and the other was untitled. In that untitled draft was a post I started a month ago when I was feeling emotional; It was a post I had written about going to your wake, and remembering seeing a letter I wrote to you for our 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t finish the post, and I still haven’t.

Seeing this draft today made me want to dig into my old memory bin, where I kept old concert tickets, notes from school, projects and whatever else I felt was worth keeping for a lifetime. I was searching to see if I had the letter you wrote me on that day. I opened the dusty bin to see my rocket power backpack on top of a bunch of children’s books, binders and journals.

I grabbed the journal that my aunt gave me when I was young. I opened the journal and out fell some photo booth photos, and there was four photos of us in a vertical line. We were so happy and silly; I remember we spent so much time at the mall because we saved our money from babysitting (and you saved from your your dog-walking), and we had that money to spend! I also will never forget when we got personalized airbrush T-Shirts made. I still have mine.

After sifting through some cringy journal entries and digging through photo albums, I found some Lisa Frank stickers (SCORE!) that I immediately needed to put on my phone case. I had a nice design on the phone case I was using so I decided to go into my bedroom to grab another phone case. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and before I even could reach for another case, I saw your photo. It was the memorial card from your funeral; and that’s when it hit me… you were giving me the signs.

The photo booth photos falling out, having to look for a phone case that I never would have needed if I hadn’t dug through my memory bin looking for the letter your wrote me- which I unfortunately I didn’t find, but maybe I will one day. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t logged in to write in my blog and looked in my drafts, but it all happened.

Some will say coincidence, neuroscientists will say it’s the reticular activating system (which tbh, they are right), but I also truly believe this is my sign from you. I appreciate knowing you’re still here, even if not physically, and I am grateful for these signs. Sending love up your way, and thank you for sending yours.

Sending love to all who need it, and I hope you get your signs. ♡