I have been feeling so much better than I felt the first week of the year, and I am fully enjoying this time. I’m still practicing discernment in my life, I am limiting the amount of information I share with others and this even includes close friends.
It is not my responsibility or even my problem if someone else is sending jealous or some negative energy my way, because I know I am protected and my energy is mine regardless; but that doesn’t mean I want to be all willy nilly with what I share.
There’s good news around me, and instead of sharing for validation or sharing to celebrate, I find that celebrating with myself and for myself is more than sufficient for me. In reality, it feels better than sharing with others. Not that my friends don’t celebrate or care, but because I can give that to myself.
I am very aware that hyper-independence is a trauma response, but it also is a strength. I know I am living in alignment with my values; I am strengthening my relationship with the universe / God, which in turn has improved my relationship with myself. I know who I can ask for help, I know I have loved ones who are truly in my corner and are rooting for me, and even though that is a small group, it is a strong, supportive, caring group.
I don’t feel the need to share all of my plans and all of my goals with people who are just waiting for me to fail, or are projecting their own self-doubt onto me. I know that I still have yet to meet members of my soul family, and I am not here to be completely shut off or turn off my empathy, but I will continue to be selective and protect myself and my dreams first.
As we approach the end of 2023, I feel the need to reflect and appreciate all that this year has taught me. I feel so fresh and happy going into the new year with the new beginnings ahead, and I owe that to my own efforts that I have put in throughout this year. I still struggle sometimes to find time or care enough to actually celebrate myself, but I know how important it is to recognize our own strengths and triumphs as they encourage us to keep going and keep growing!
This year was full of love and laughter and so many blessings, and I feel like I was more present this year than ever before. I remember seeing Masego in concert earlier this year and having the best time in the upstairs VIP w/ my good friend and her sister. He put on such a great show and the venue was amazing! I also drove out to Minneapolis to meet up with one of my best friends from high school so we could see Bryce Vine! He also put on a great show with his dope pink hair as he floated across the crowd on a blow up flamingo LOL! I also got to experience the Mall of America for the first time!
This year I actually went to the roller rink twice- once for my friend’s birthday party and then I ended up using that idea as a part of my own 90s themed birthday party months later! My birthday party was honestly one of my favorite days, because I had so many of my closest friends all dressed up in their best 90s gear and we got to rollerblade and then got to chill back at our house listening to my 90s/early 2000s playlist that I spent way too much time curating LOL. The 90s theme was also inspired by a fun 90s night out that I got to attend for another friend of mine’s birthday about a month prior to mine!
This year I was able to reconnect with my childhood best friend and we have spent more time together than we have the last couple years. It’s felt so good to dive back into that authentic friendship and be able to laugh like we did as kids, but also be able to have fun conversations about astrology and the universe and not feel judged! We believe in the magic of the world and encourage each other to recognize it and seek it out! We also have improved our communication which has overall helped our friendship to thrive!
This summer my high school best friend and I went back to the sunflower field that we went to a couple years back and we had wine, walked through the fields and even got to cut our own sunflowers to bring home! Although my dress was making all of my sweat on my back and under-butt completely noticeable, I reminded myself that I didn’t know any of the other people around me, and human bodies sweat in the hot sun and didn’t let it ruin my time! It took me a minute to get out of the anxiety/embarrassment phase, but once I realized how laughable it was, I was able to get present again and enjoy myself.
I got to meet my new baby cousin this year and she is so sweet and adorable, I am excited to see her again for our January Christmas celebration! My fiancé also got to meet her at her “fairy first birthday party” which was so cute! I also enjoyed my annual girls weekend with my mom, grandma and aunts as we explored a small town in WI and stayed in a VRBO that has an amazing deck and view! One of the highlights from that trip is when my aunt and grandma asked me to autograph the poetry book that I was in- it’s still crazy to think I am a published author! I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and excited for me.
Of course, the most exciting part of 2023 for me was definitely when my fiancé asked me to marry him at our favorite breakfast place. The universe told me it was going to happen, and it may not make sense, but even though I felt it deep inside, I was still entirely surprised when that ring came out of my mimosa glass. Part of me feels like it knew that the proposal was coming, but I also was finally at such a sense of peace around waiting for that moment where I didn’t even think about it.
I do want to say, I used to get in my head and obsess over when it was going to happen. This year I recognized that there was no point in wondering and waiting when I knew it was going to happen eventually, so I did my best to release that anxiety around it and just lean into faith and patience. One day one of my friends was telling me how she was thinking and hoping her boyfriend was going to propose soon, and I remember having a moment later where my ego was screaming inside of me: “if she gets engaged before me I’m gonna be so pissed off because I have been waiting way longer than her!”
But after that thought, it’s almost like my soul stepped in to counter and I just had this thought: “The goal is not the engagement, the goal is the lasting relationship.” I paused. I didn’t know where this thought came from, but it completely shifted my mindset- the goal really was the lasting marriage/relationship, and considering we had already grown together and loved each other through 12 years, we technically already were living the goal! This is where I was able to completely let go of my anxiety around getting engaged, and they always say once your surrender is when you receive, and boy do I believe that.
There are so many other wonderful things that happened this year, and I am excited to take these memories and these life lessons into 2024 with me. I am starting a new job this coming year, I am planning a wedding, and my goal is to stay focused on the joy around me. I want to be completely present for my wedding and throughout the planning process, and I will do so by practicing gratitude along the way, and just focusing on all of the love I have in my life. I feel so lucky every day, and I am excited to see what 2024 brings! For now, I am going to finish off these last couple weeks of 2023 strong and with a positive attitude!
Last night was a Full Moon with partial lunar eclipse. Eclipses are a powerful time, and they tend to stir up some chaos within us, and we can choose to go about this in two ways: let it consume you, or embrace it and let it heal you. I have been looking inward at some of the issues that have been coming back up to surface, as I am ready to release them and focus on what is meant for me.
I spent a lot of my life in an anxious state; I would worry about my loved ones dying suddenly, or I’d worry that I’d get a horrible car accident- really I was always on edge waiting for something horrible to happen to me or someone I loved. I struggle to have many memories as I was constantly worrying about the future that I wasn’t there to enjoy the present. I get sad when I think about all of the memories I have that I will never be able to access because I never truly soaked them in.
I have been working hard on being more present in my life, and I am proud of the progress I have made. As much as therapy and certain books have helped me along the way, I feel like stepping into my spiritual journey has also helped me to make great progress. Being able to recognize how little control I actually have over situations in my life and being able to surrender those to the universe has lifted a weight off my shoulders.
Sitting and worrying about death or health issues or natural disasters does absolutely nothing except for stress out my brain and body, and take away the ability for me to be present. Reading quotes like “if it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be free from your mind” is definitely easier said than done, but with faith in a higher power it makes it feel easier.
I feel like I turned away from God pretty young, likely because I was raised going to church and Sunday school only until I was about 8 or 9, and then it seemed like we never went or talked about God again. I don’t even know what I thought about that when I was a kid, but as I dealt with more death in life it seemed like I believed less and less in a heavenly Father. I still can’t tell you that I believe in God, but I do believe there is something bigger than us.
I can feel it in the synchronicities that I see in my every day life. I can feel it in the love that I have with my life partner. I can feel it in the connections I have with good friends. I can feel it in the gratitude I have for the wonderful people and things in my life. I can feel it in the silence when I actually sit down to mediate. I can feel it when I write.
I used to shy away from this as I always felt the need for logic and science to explain what is happening, and honestly most synchronicities can be explained by neuroscience (neuroplasticity- brain rewriting), but I can feel it in my gut that there is a higher power. The more that I think about it, I believe that power is actually love. As a collective, when we all come together for peace and love, the energy changes.
My mom often talks about after the tragedy of 9/11 how people seemed to care more about one another and actually speak to each other, rather than how we all turn away and argue today. When we are divided, we are easily manipulated and can lose control and a sense of love for one another. It’s easy to see things as black and white or red and blue, but really it’s all grey and purple. Instead of judging and assuming someone else is wrong, we should be looking for productive conversation and try to learn from one another.
Every person I’ve met has trauma, and we are all a lot more the same than we are different. I also recently heard this on a podcast and although it is obvious, it still opened my eyes: the villain and the hero both have traumatic pasts, but the choices they made after their trauma is what determined their future. I remember after seeing the Joker movie how I sympathized with his character and saw how only just some help and love could have him to create a different life- and we can all do that.
We can show compassion to one another.
We can empathize with one another.
We can listen and learn from one another.
We can help one another.
In reality, we’re all mirrors. We’re all reflections of each other, and we aren’t as different from each other as we may think we are. Stepping out of the Ego mindset and into the Soul allows for love and acceptance to flourish. When there is love, there is peace, and we all deserve both. I leaned into spirituality and will continue to do so as it has helped me to release so much fear and anxiety and has allowed me to be present to the beauty around me, and I have no shame in that.
finding light in the dark 