Happy Sunday!! I decided to stay up after giving my cat her insulin at 6:00am, so now I’m journaling while I listen to Two Girls One Ghost! My therapist has been working with me on dealing with my “daddy issues” and people-pleasing, which also leads into dealing with my self-confidence. I’m so glad she has challenged me and actually sees my lack of self-trust, because everyone else can’t see past my mask and now I can actually work on it.
The best way for me to work on building my self-confidence is to actually do the things I say I want to do. Writing here in my blog helps me keep a promise to myself, so yay for me writing this morning! I also had a win yesterday when I used my food processor for the first time and made a new crockpot meal- I made Tinga, which is a delicious Mexican chicken dish, and it turned out so great! Even thought I felt so much dread before starting the process, I am so happy I tried and actually succeeded! Now this is a moment I can use as evidence when I try to talk myself out of trying new things.
I know that perfectionism is a big thing I have been trying to let go of. That dread I felt before trying to cook definitely stems from fear of failure and not doing something perfectly the first time. I never hold anyone else to this insane standard and I have zero issue giving other people grace when they make mistakes, so I have to let go of this need to punish myself whenever I mess up. Younger/child me never deserved to be shushed and made to believe she couldn’t make mistakes, and I no longer wish to treat myself that way.
Being so hard on myself and punishing myself is likely a coping mechanism that I think I need because I don’t trust myself to do a good job without this harsh voice. As I challenge myself, I realize that I never truly learned anything from the harsh punishment other than to walk on eggshells and avoid everything… and that’s no way to live. I learn when I’m met with patience and grace, so I have to give that to myself.
In my life, I want and deserve to be free. I am free to create without it needing to be “perfect.” I am free to make mistakes and I will only learn from them. I am free to try new things without having to be “good” at them. I am a free human being, and a free human being is not shackled by fear of failure or the fear of what others think. A free human being follows their heart and chases their dreams no matter the outcome, because no matter what, the outcome is evolution.
