Today I was eating lunch with my boyfriend in our dining room as we listened to Mac Miller’s Tiny Desk Concert on vinyl, and out of nowhere I started to cry. I could feel the tears coming and I didn’t even try to keep them away, because what I felt wasn’t sadness… it was happiness. I felt so present in that moment and I was just taking note of how wonderful my life is, and it made me emotional.

I thought back to when my boyfriend and I first moved into our apartment over eight years ago, and just how mentally unwell I was. I remember thinking to myself that I had everything I wanted, and I was still so empty. It felt like even though I had achieved my goals and lived a life I wanted, it wasn’t enough. I was confused and angry with myself, and I just kept thinking “what is wrong with me?” I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn’t feel worthy of the life I had, and in reality, I was anxious and depressed.

Every day felt like a battle. I was constantly arguing with myself between “rational me” and “irrational me,” which really now I look at as my inner child vs. my present (or not so present back then) self. I hated that I had such a short fuse and I was always racing the clock; I never could sit still or enjoy anything in my life, because to me, my worth came from what tasks I was completing. I didn’t feel worthy of relaxation when I had assignments to do or house chores. I didn’t feel I was worthy of fun or any sort of meaningful time to myself, and looking back, all I can say is I am so happy to be where I am today.

I feel so blessed when I can just sit and feel the joys around me, and actually feel full inside. I notice the blessings and actively practice gratitude and that honestly has made a huge difference in my journey. I have found it easier to let go of what is beyond my control, and I also find it easier to flip my perspective to a better one when I find myself in moments of stress.

Eight years ago I never would have imagined that I’d be living this way; having self-compassion, actively seeing a therapist and seeking self help through podcasts and books, and truly feeling joy in my every day life. Life is a journey and I know I will have more challenges to come and curveballs to be thrown my way, but now I know I can trust myself to navigate any situation thrown my way- and for that I am so thankful and proud.

Thank you for this wonderful life. Thank you for the blessings around me. Thank you for the love I have surrounding me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.