triggers

Sunday, November 9th – Money Triggers/Reflection

blog

Today I woke up to snow and honestly I am not happy about it. Luckily the roads are clean and it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it just reminds me of how much I hate driving in it when it’s bad. I always get so much anxiety around it, even though I’ve survived every year of winter thus far. I guess the odds are are in my favor so I will just try to keep that in mind this year. I likely need to get some new tires which is fine, but it is also slightly inconvenient timing. Someone recently hit my car door with their car door and didn’t leave a note, so I also have to file a claim with my insurance to get it repaired. It is a leased vehicle, and the estimate was just shy of $1,500.00 because of where they hit it and how the dent it (literally why tf is car shit always soooo expensive)! To be fair, I do plan to buy the car in May once the lease is up, I just don’t want the car to rust and have more damage since it went down to the metal.

Regardless, the stuff has to get fixed, and we just put winter tires on my husband’s car yesterday. I tend to get triggered around money. I had a lot of control issues around money as a child, as I looked as money as a means to freedom. I knew that the more money I had saved, the more likely I would be able to move out as soon as I turned 18 (turns out, life is expensive and I ended up moving out a couple months before my 20th birthday). Although my husband and I have always been able to figure things out, I still find myself having moments of lack mentality and just being worried about expenses. Once we sit down and go through the budget again, I usually feel better, but I want to get to a point where I don’t constantly need to look at the budget every time a life expense arises. I know that means building an emergency fund, which luckily we are almost at a place where we can start doing that.

I need to take time to recognize that we will always be able to figure things out though-we have been for 10 years! We are very blessed to have good credit, but we also worked hard for that and we make sure our bills are paid on time/in full. We have also goals and plans to get rid of as many monthly payments as possible, and ideally that means getting rid my car payment next. We do still enjoy life though, and that is where I end up feeling guilty when bigger expenses come up. I have to challenge this guilt though, because I am not doing anything against my morals or actually wrong when I am buying an iced coffee or going out to breakfast with my husband; it’s not like we’re out here spending thousands of dollars on vacations or fancy bags. When expenses come up, we limit our spending and cut things out so that we can prioritize the bills and avoid any interest or fees. We are responsible, we work hard, and we communicate well, so I can trust that we will make it through any obstacles together.

Life looks a lot different now than it did back when I was a teenager saving money without having any expenses. I think where I find myself still feeling shame is the fact that it feels like I had way more money saved up when I was a kid compared to what I have now. Again, I was a kid, so I had no monthly payments or expenses, and I was saving for my future. I used that money to pay for my Associate’s Degree, as well as help with the closing costs of our home, and just overall life expenses that came up with home-ownership and adulting. If you really think about it, that savings went exactly where it was supposed to, and the bills we pay are bills we want to pay, because we enjoy the amenities that come from those payments.

We enjoy having clean, warm water to shower in, as well as having electricity so we don’t have to do so in the dark. We are happy the garbage man takes our trash so we don’t have to go lug it around to some dump across town. We enjoy a warm, cozy home as the temperatures and snowflakes drop outside. We like having newer, reliable vehicles with good insurance coverage so that I only have to pay a deductible when someone decides to whack my car door. So maybe I don’t have the same amount of savings that I had before, but I also live the life that I want, with the person I love. I have a life partner who is on my team and together we make and meet our goals, no matter what obstacles show up along the way. It may not always look like how we wanted it to, but we always figure it out together. I feel very blessed and a lot more calm now about everything. Writing definitely helps to slow the racing thoughts, and I am grateful to have the time and space to share these thoughts.

Vulnerable Reflection: I’m Angry

blog

After being away with my family for a weekend, I feel the need to sit and reflect on the triggers that came up. I always feel extra on edge and like I’m a whole child again whenever I am around family. It always feels like all of the healing I’ve done completely disappears, and I’m back to being defensive and overthinking everything.

When I was a child I felt small and dumb. I felt like I always was a “fuck up.” To others, it probably makes zero sense, because I was a good kid, with good grades, who did whatever I was told to do. I may have had some attitude when I didn’t want to do things, but I got it done regardless. I felt like somehow I was simultaneously the one who no one had to worry about, yet everyone was always worrying about me. The helicoptering control and constant contradictions of my childhood really messed up my self-trust, and I’ve been trying to build it back for almost ten years now.

When I am asked about my life plans – mainly family planning- it triggers my lack of self trust, and it sends me into a spiral of defending myself and over explaining myself. Since I’m a 30-year-old childless woman, when family asks when and why it just feels like somehow I am the one fucking up again. When I’m told that being an “old mom” is somehow going to be harder than being a “young mom,” that also pisses me off because I obviously cannot get any younger, so that comment just feels like a push to go get pregnant right now, when that’s not our plan.

In reality, I am very aware that my life timeline is no one’s business, and so long as my husband and I are the ones having the conversations and being on the same page, that is what matters. However, when I am in a triggered state, instead of pausing and remembering who I am, I end up defending myself and getting angry with everyone, rather than just stating the facts. It’s my life, we are not looking to have children at this very moment, and if I am feeling nice, I’ll let you know once we are. If we wait too long, then we wait too long, and that’s how it was meant to be, because regardless, this is all God’s plan.

I was listening to a podcast today, and I heard the guest saying “the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it,” and that is exactly how I feel when this conversation comes up. If someone tells me to have kids or asks when we’re gonna have them, it makes me literally just not want to have them at all so the conversation can be over. I know it’s out of spite and it’s irrational, but that’s truly what comes up for me.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how bothered I am when I’m offered help or hovered over by my family- mainly my mother. Obviously her intention is to be nice and offer help, but it triggers me because it makes me feel like that dumb kid again who wasn’t trusted no matter how good she was. If I say “I’m good” and then I’m questioned or still offered help, my brain takes that as “she doesn’t trust me, nor does she think I am capable of doing anything on my own.” I know what my mother is doing is people-pleasing, and I know it because I do it too. She is being overly courteous and she’s reading into my emotions and she thinks that I may be slightly off, but that’s not her problem to fix…it’s mine.

I also get triggered by my mom, because she always reading the room and trying to please people/keep everyone happy so conflict and/or tension don’t arise, when she could really just mind her own business. Why is that triggering? Because I do the same thing… and I hate that about me! I let other people’s emotions and lives consume me. I literally do the same shit she does, and seeing her do it made me so angry, because I HATE THAT I’M LIKE THIS!!

I HATE THAT I WAS TRAINED TO ABANDON MYSELF AND MY OWN FEELINGS. I HATE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. I HATE THAT I FEEL SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH, YET NEVER ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH OR MY OWN THOUGHTS/OPINIONS. I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON MY MASK THAT I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. I AM SO ANGRY AND I’VE NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL IT OR SIT IN IT OR RELEASE IT BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF MY OWN ANGER- WHICH ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY!

In reality, I’m scared of all of my emotions, because they’re all so intense and I was never taught how to identify, feel, or release them. Now as an adult, it’s my responsibility to do so, but the anger feels so deep. I’m mad that my parents made me so paranoid about the world around me. I’m mad that I wasn’t given life skills to push through the hard parts in life, instead, I was taught to avoid them. I’m mad that I wasn’t allowed to have big emotions, while my parents screamed angry slurs at one another every other night. I’m mad I didn’t have someone in my childhood home to validate any of my feelings or make me feel like I wasn’t fucking crazy, because I have felt crazy my entire life. It’s confusing to grow up the way I did, and I’m mad that I had to experience it.

I’ve been an angry girl since I was seven, and I don’t know how to get it out of me still. I feel like my muscles and intestines are entangled with anger and frustration built up over the years. I feel it so deep in my body and brain that I have no idea where to even start. Talk therapy clearly isn’t doing it for me, because I can talk and talk and talk, but this is deeper. This anger is in my body- the body I’ve been neglecting/ not caring about. I feel it in my shoulders, my jaw, my hips, my legs… I feel the tension all the time. I sleep in tense positions. I am set off in a panic by the simplest things because deep down, I am just angry.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old people who hates everyone and hates life. I don’t want to have constantly gut issues and neck/jaw pain. I don’t want to not care about myself, and I’m starting to think it starts with just allowing myself to be angry. It can’t go away if I never let it come up, and shoving it down is clearly taking a toll on me, so I guess it’s time that I just allow myself to just be angry.

Wedding Weekend.

blog

This weekend was interesting to say the least. My boyfriend and I were in our good friends’ wedding and it was stressful as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, we love them so much and are so happy for them, but it was so much work and so exhausting.

After having to get up at 6:45am and working until 1:00pm, my boyfriend and I drove to the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and we were all supposed to start at 6:00pm, but the main people needed were running late to this got delayed to 7:15pm. That unfortunately kind of set the tone for the rest of the events to come.

With starting late, the actual dinner part of the “rehearsal dinner” didn’t happen. Instead we all went back to the hotel to set up for the wedding. The bride and groom ordered us all pizzas and we got to work- setting up tables, blowing up balloons, decorating the reception area, and so on.

My boyfriend and I were so tired, and especially me because on Thursday night I went over to the bride’s house to help her and her MOH with last minute wedding crafting and then I had to retwist my boyfriend’s hair so I didn’t go to bed until about 1am. I’m sure running on 5 hours of sleep and then the schedule running behind really added into my stress levels.

We ended up going to bed around 11, while others stayed back to continue helping. The coordinator had already left so they were just finishing up the balloon arch, but I still felt bad leaving. However, when I spoke to the bride she said that she was up doing stuff until 3:00am! Then I felt even worse, but also we had to be at her hotel (different one than we were staying at/where the reception was) at 8:00am to start getting ready.

Once everyone was there and getting ready things were pretty smooth sailing when it came to timing, but then shit started hitting the fan. I honestly don’t want to go into details, but the poor planning and feeling everyone stress levels for HOURS was so draining. I started having a panic attack on the trolley where the whole bridal party was minus the bride), but was able to stop crying and calm myself down. I was also lucky enough to have my boyfriend with me, which helped tremendously.

After her horse-drawn carriage entrance, and the live butterfly release, we took 8 million photos and were late for the grand march and delayed the whole reception by 45 minutes. Once we were there I was just so happy for all of this stress and timeline shit to be over. I was so triggered because I hate running late and I hate when things don’t go as planned and everyone else was feeling stressed and angry, and I could just feel everyone’s negative energy.

So now that we were finally where the open bar was, I was just so happy to finally get food and drinks. My boyfriend and I loved the greek buffet food, and we really enjoyed drinking and dancing the night away with each other. He really doesn’t like big events or being around people, but we truly had a wonderful time together once all the stress was gone (other than having to help clean up everything at the end of the night).

I truly hope the bride and groom didn’t feel all of this stress, but I know for sure the bride was stressed a few times. I can say they will have great pictures from the wedding, but this whole thing really reinforced my thought that big weddings are really about trying to impress other people and I think people get lost in it.

I’ve never wanted a big wedding, and my boyfriend agrees. We decided years ago that we will have an elopement ceremony once that time comes. When we went to Aruba in 2019, we decided that we want to get married there! We’ve been ring shopping in the last couple months, and last night when we did our video message to the newlyweds he said that our time was coming soon (to be fair I caught the bouquet)!

We are coming up on our ten year anniversary in October, but we’ve been together since we were 16, so we’re still young! I’m okay not being married right now, but I mean we’re basically married already. We have been living together for seven years, we bought a house together, and we take care of our cats together lol! I get so happy when I see my friends getting married and having kids, but I’m also so happy that we still have those things to look forward to. Weddings always make me emotional, and I’m so happy that I have such a great life partner.