I had a great weekend, which was much needed after this shit week. Yesterday my boyfriend and I went out for lunch and we played some pool, and I got a little tipsy on some vodka sprites haha. I love spending time with him, whether its in the house or out in public. Today we helped a couple of friends move out of their apartment, and although it was a lot of work I actually just enjoyed being with Cameron and everyone else. On the weekends, I have been much better about forgetting about work and just enjoying my time.

I try to think of my weekends and my life with Cameron as being my life, and work just being a part of the day where I am away from my life. When you think about it, that is how it really is. For some reason I just let work make me anxious, and it has always been a battle. Last week was the first week where I didn’t throw up before work on Thursday… but I still threw up on Monday. I think it’s because what happens at work isn’t really predictable; besides that, I have only been there two and a half months. When I don’t know what to expect, or how to solve every problem that can arise, that is when I experience the most anxiety.

I always feel that I have to be in control, which has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in an unpredictable environment. Although I could predict that there would be fights and drinking, I didn’t know if there would just be an argument, or a full out screaming match, or if things would get physical. Although I knew there wasn’t much variance from the normal every day routine of morning coffee to 6:00pm Miller Lite’s ( don’t forget the Jager shots on the weekends), there was still that question of how things would escalate, and when. If I was home, I was always on edge. I tried my hardest to be out of the apartment, or I would dive into a distraction.

Now my life is overall pretty predictable, and I honestly enjoy it. Work is the only thing that is unpredictable at this point, and I know that with time I will learn more and more, and the anxiety will continue to decrease, so I am not letting this work anxiety spill into my actual life. I know it is only temporary, and it does not define me. I am not my anxiety, I am my resilience. I still get up and go to work, even if it makes me physically ill in the morning. I am strong, and it’s time that I recognize this in myself. Of course there are times where I am weak and vulnerable, but who isn’t? And in those times, I have my incredible boyfriend and my wonderful friends who support and love me, and I make sure to do the same in return.

I think it is important that we recognize what truly matters in life. It seems the only time people remember is when it is too late, and that is too bad. I make sure to remind my boyfriend that I appreciate him and everything he does for me. I make sure to tell my friends that I love and care for them. I make sure to call my mom and talk to her. It seems that a lot of people have lost sight of what matters, and what can lead to true happiness. We can make our own happiness, but doing it with others is fun too. ♡

At my last session my therapist told me that I was both “insightful” and “wise.” I felt very proud of myself at the end of the session, and mainly because of those two adjectives she used to describe me. You know how your friends and family will typically talk you up and say all this shit, but sometimes you just don’t believe it because you think they have an obligation to say it? Something about that made what Dr. P said a bit more striking to me. In actuality, she has only known me for a couple of months- and if you actually think about how much we talk, she’s only known me for about less than five hours at this point. In less than five hours, I have convinced someone else that I am both insightful, and wise.

When I say “convince,” I don’t mean that I am going to therapy and exaggerating stories and making myself something I am not; the fact is I’m very much myself when I am in those sessions. I am more myself than I am with most people, because I know I am paying her for a service and in order to truly benefit I need to be open and willing to discuss sensitive topics. But she sees something in me, something that those people around me have also seen, but that I have been ignoring for my whole life.

I know that I pay attention and I am very observant, but I always felt like an over-thinker and an over-reactor. I was always getting so down on myself for being so involved in everything, whether it was just emotionally/mentally or physically. To be fair, I do still feel that way at times, but now I have a new perspective. I am learning from what I observe and what I think about. I am not “over-thinking,” I am simply receiving and analyzing information and then using that information to base a judgement or form a decision.

A specific example I could get into is just how/where I grew up. I am an only child, but I lived in apartments for most of my life and had many neighbors who were basically like my siblings. When I tell people about how I grew up, they’re usually shocked and say that I seem “normal” (whatever that means). The thing is though, that I was watching so many of my neighbors grow up in different environments. Some better in some aspects, but most were worse. Seeing this at such a young age just made me feel like I didn’t have it that bad, but I also knew I was not happy at home and that I needed to get out of there if I wanted to truly live my life. I knew that my way out was to work and save money so I could leave, so that is what I did.

Even with having functioning alcoholics as parents, even with friends who were doing drugs around me, I stayed focus on the end goal which was moving the fuck out. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I was completely healthy throughout the process- there was a period in my life where I did self-harm. Luckily I was able to stop and found that writing helped to release a lot of my stress. I also would keep myself busy with both work and school, as well as socializing because I knew being at home was not the best thing for me, and in order to truly get better I needed to get out.

Many of my friends tell me how I inspire them and how they look up to me, and honestly it warms my heart. I feel like I can be an example for some people, but I also know that there are many many issues I haven’t dealt with, and I still struggle with my anxiety. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, I am trying to acknowledge them and fix them, rather than being mad at myself and preventing myself from progressing. My therapist has only known me for less than five hours, and she already thinks I am wise- so why shouldn’t I? I know we all struggle because we’re our own worst critics, but what if instead we focused on our positive aspects and remember what makes us great? It takes a lot of practice and work, but it is possible. I just have to keep that in mind on my journey. ♡

I wanted to take this time to say I plan to start writing weekly. I owe that to myself, and I hope that setting this small goal for myself will help me to stay motivated and want to write even more. I miss writing poetry, but I don’t miss the darkness that brought those creative moments. It seems that most of the poetry I write is depressing, which is why I haven’t written any in a while. I now am in a state of mind where I can feel and express positive emotions, and I feel this may be a challenge for me when it comes to writing poems. However, I am up for this challenge, and I hope to surprise myself.

This is not going to be that long of a post, as I want to go on a walk and go to the pool. I am in need of some vitamin D and fresh air, so I will be getting ready for my walk once I am done with this post. I’ve been so stressed with work lately that I’ve been clenching my jaw in my sleep, and even throughout the day without realizing it. I’m giving myself tension headaches, and I still throw up typically once a week before work thanks to my anxiety. I will say the vomiting has decreased drastically, and I am happy for that, but now I have to learn how to stop clenching my jaw. Although I feel that I am in a good state of mind when it comes too work/stress, my body is still physically affected by the anxiety.

It is challenging when it feels like the body and the mind aren’t communicating, but I know that with time I will have better control over the physical symptoms. It just takes time, and practice- whether it is breathing or mindfulness. I have no intention of giving up, as I know I can handle anything thrown my way. ♡

Things have been feeling a lot less heavy lately; I’m finally feeling like I can breathe and that I am in control of myself and my thoughts. I enjoy this feeling and will continue to cherish this time, as I know it may not last forever. The fact that I can feel this free and light is incredible to me, and I will remember this if I stumble into the darkness again. It really can get better, if you’re willing to work for it. I will say though, that the environment and people around you are important in your progress as well.

Being outside is something that genuinely brings me happiness, even if I am simply going on a walk. My boyfriend does not enjoy walks or going out as much as I do, but that does not keep me from doing what I love. Of course I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend (I mean, he is my favorite person ♡), but I also enjoy being outdoors and am aware that it is necessary for me to get out of the house every day. He always encourages me to do what makes me happy, and understands my need for sunlight and fresh air. There are times that he joins me on walks or at the pool, but it is important for me to feel comfortable doing these things on my own as well. This year I feel like I have accomplished a lot in that manner, and for that I am proud.

I have started going to therapy, and even thought I’ve only had a couple sessions, I already feel like I am making progress. I feel that it is getting easier for me to put the puzzle pieces together when it comes to figuring out why certain things make me feel different ways. Although it can be scary, digging into your triggers is also beneficial and, for me personally, empowering. I feel like I am learning about myself, and being able to understand why I think/feel certain ways gives me this sense of comfort and confidence in myself. Something I recently have come to realize is that most of my childhood, even up into high school, was spent outside. I was always walking, or on a bike, or a long-board. I had so many neighbors and we were all close friends, and I spent every moment I could with them. Outside as always been my happy place, but inside was a different story.

My therapist and I haven’t really talked about my childhood yet, but I plan to next time I see her. I feel like I just need to dive back into whatever traumas gave me all of this anxiety and depression, so I can face them head on and defeat them. It is extremely frustrating as a control freak to feel like you’re not even in control of your own thoughts and emotions. I had a lot of anger built up against myself, because I didn’t understand why my anxiety was making me throw up, or why simple inconvenience would set me off. Instead I would just get upset and self-destruct, which I also recognized and in turn would then get even more angry with myself.

I no longer feel angry with myself, only curious as to why I think and feel certain ways. Honestly, I am excited to explore my psyche and analyze myself in a new perspective. There is a part of me that is scared, but I know in the end that this will only benefit me. I want to love myself, and I also want my future children to love themselves and not be riddled with depression and anxiety. Life is much more enjoyable when you’re not focused on the negative aspects of your life. Everyone struggles, but suffering truly is optional. ♡

 

At my last therapy session my therapist said that when you’re mind is living in the future or in the past, it is robbing you from living. She said it is important to focus on the “facts of here and now.” Right now, I am sitting on a train on my way to visit one of my best friends. Today we’re going to the farmer’s market and possibly the beach! Yesterday I had a fun day with another friend; we went swimming and to a trampoline park with her four-year-old son. Focusing on these enjoyable moments is important, as these moments make up my life.

I often find myself worrying about work and how the next week is going to go. I also worry about how the last week went and will sit and think about if I forgot anything important, but what good does that do for me in the moment? There’s nothing I can do about that as I sit on this train, and there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about it at the beach. So why not enjoy life while I’m living it? It’s going to take a lot of practice and mindfulness to be able to truly live, but I know that I’d much rather love life and in order to do so, I need to enjoy the good times. ♡

I’m currently standing in a pool, in the sun, with a headphone in my right ear as I type this. This is my life. A summer day at the pool, writing in my blog, and soaking up the sun. Life really is about the small things that you do every day. I knew I wanted to go to the pool, and I also knew I had no one who wanted to go with me, yet here I am!

I could have sat inside watching a show or scrolling through twitter and instagram, but I decided to do something that I knew I’d enjoy. This summer I plan to get outside more, as I know I always feel the most like myself when I’ve had some fresh air and sunlight. It is the moments like these that I wish to remember and cherish, so I am going to do that now. ♡

I need my brain to slow down. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and stop getting mad at myself for being anxious, but its a struggle. I know it will get better with time as long, as I keep actively trying to shut down the negative thoughts and remember to replace them with positive ones. When I’m getting frustrated, I just remind myself that the only way to get better is to remain calm and to not be so hard on myself.

On Monday of this week I didn’t throw up before work, but come Tuesday morning I was back on my schedule, and today I threw up again. I understand why my anxiety is high, but I also just wish that I could control it better. I really don’t want to increase my medication, and that’s mainly because my goal is to come off of them and I feel that if I increase the dose, that’s just longer time I’ll have to take to wean off of them, not to mention more side effects to experience.

Work is super stressful, obviously, but I know it’s nothing I can’t handle. I knew when I interviewed for this job that this is what I wanted/needed. It’s hard at first as I am still learning an entire system, while re-learning insurance information/dental coding, while also not having anyone at the front desk to help me. I keep reminding myself that we’re hiring someone to be up there to help me, which is lift a tremendous weight off my shoulders. If I am balancing it now, which I am, I will be able to excel at this job when I have more help.

Although I am confident at times, my anxiety often takes over and gets the best of me. I do not want to live like this forever, so I am practicing what my therapist has suggested and plan to keep seeing her for a while. I’ve been practicing my breathing and reminding myself that nothing that happens at work could be that bad. Despite all of that, this morning when I was doing my 54321’s (when you pick five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, etc.) I was not even able to get down to number four before my mind was racing about work.

I struggle with taking it “day by day,” as I am always thinking a million steps ahead, but I know that taking it day by day would make my life so much easier. I would obviously still plan ahead and remain responsible, but I have to remember that I’ve only been working here for three weeks and am still learning every day. The doctor I work for and the other employees all are so thankful that I’m there and are so appreciative, which makes things great! I’m just hoping I can overcome this anxiety somewhat soon, because throwing up every morning is not exactly fun.

I’m not giving up on this job just because my anxiety is high. I feel like I was made for this, and I know I can overcome my anxiety; I just need to be more patient and keep working on myself. ♡

I’ve been trying hard to distract myself from the Sunday blues, but I can’t help but think about the fact that I might be an anxious mess tomorrow morning. However, I am going to do what my new therapist told me to do. I’m going to practice mindful breathing/meditation, and remind myself that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I am looking forward to the challenge of getting the hang of this new job, and excelling at it in the future, as I typically do.

I’m often still battling with myself in my head, but thankfully these disputes are much calmer than before. I felt that I was constantly shitting on myself and feeding my brain a bunch of negative thoughts which is very unhealthy. Although I still have some negative thoughts, I’m working on being more positive and kind to myself. I’m working on being able to ground myself, and stay focused on what is happening in the moment, rather than worrying too much about things that haven’t even happened yet.

My new job is stressful, mostly because there isn’t really a set structure or training, and I am the type of person who needs that type of order. Lucky for me, once I learn the system a bit more I will be able to organize and create an order that works well for me and my fellow employees. The doctor I work for already thinks I’m doing a great job, which makes me happy, yet I still have so much anxiety when I think about going.

I started seeing a new therapist last week, and after only one visit I am already happy I waited to see her. She listens and she understands a lot about how the physical body correlates with anxiety. She talks about being able to separate the body’s physical fight/flight reactions from the anxious thoughts, which is exactly what I need to be able to do. I feel my anxiety has become more crippling, but only in the mornings. I think it’s because that’s the first thing I do is worry about what is to come, since my job isn’t really quite a routine for me yet, but I have to remember that this is how it always is in the beginning.

I’m trying hard to take everything day by day. I make sure I’m still doing things I enjoy after work so that my life does not become consumed by my new job and my anxiety around it. Honestly, the worst thing that could happen at work is that I get fired, and in which case I honestly could get a new job fast, or I’m sure I could even get my old job back if needed. I know I have no reason to fear those things happening, but it helps me to remind myself that even the worst-case scenario isn’t that bad.

My therapist said something to me towards the end of our session that made me feel somewhat proud of myself. She said that a lot of people with anxiety have the tendency to avoid the things that make them anxious, but that I just “dive in.” And honestly, she’s right! For the most part, I do not avoid the things that make me anxious; I tackle them head-on. I’d like to think it’s because I’m a strong person, but honestly I feel like I just prioritize my anxieties. For example, I personally couldn’t call off of work because of my anxiety, (even though it literally makes me vomit) because the thought of missing out of money for my bills, as well as falling behind at work makes me more anxious. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Its almost as if some anxieties are more important than others in a way.

Anyways, I am excited to be on this journey of self-reflection and self-care, while also being able to have the freedom of being a manager at my new job. There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, which is a big trigger for my anxiety, but luckily I am taking steps to improve myself, and that is what matters most. ♡

It’s insane to me how intense my anxiety gets when things change. I recently got a new job, and I’ve thrown up every morning before going to work except for on my first day. I’m not sick or pregnant, it’s literally just my anxiety. I wake up with cold sweats and I’m shaking… I’m making myself physically ill and it’s making me so mad! I can literally sit and tell myself that nothing will be that bad, and that people at my new job already like me and are happy that I’m there to help, yet the physical symptoms won’t go away.

I started a new breathing exercise that one of my good friends recommended to me, and it honestly made me feel a lot better and it calmed me down. The problem is that when I go back to breathing naturally, I almost immediately start thinking about something stressful and my heart starts racing again and it’s an endless cycle. I push the thoughts away, and then they come back. I keep pushing them away, but the worst part of the day is always right when I wake up.

Luckily I am starting therapy on Friday after a couple months of waiting, and I’m just hoping that I really don’t need to increase my medication, however I also cannot be throwing up foam/bile every morning before work. I’m trying so hard to remind myself to take it a day at a time, and not to take things too seriously.

♡

I have been feeling much better lately, and I am finally going to start seeing a new therapist in about a month! I feel that now I have a much clearer mindset which will hopefully make this process a bit easier. I literally had a second where I thought that maybe I don’t need therapy or help because now my medication has made a world of a difference for me, but my boyfriend kindly reminded me that the problems are within, and the Prozac is simply a band-aid. That is as true as it gets, and I don’t want to rely on medications anyways.

This morning I went to the gym before work, which is the first time I’ve done this being 9-5pm! I will say, I felt GREAT all day (especially for a Monday). I plan to go again tomorrow and I am really wanting to make this a habit for me. Habits are something you do not have to think about, you just do it, so if I can do it enough where it becomes second nature I think it would benefit me a lot. I know in general doctors tell you that exercising helps with depression/anxiety, and I have always known that to be true from experience, I just always fall out of my routines. The important thing though is that I start again, and that is exactly what I plan to do.

I have had a recent good idea which will bring me back into my poetry, which I am very excited about, but also I do not feel just ready to start. My “poetry” and writings I’ve done (which are not all on here as most were handwritten and I will need to type them out to put on here) are depressing. I have a few happy ones as well, but I feel so much more connected to the sad ones, likely because I have had this darkness lingering inside of me for so long that it was always easy to feed off of. Now I can channel these thoughts into something beautiful. My goal is to write enough poetry to be able to publish at least one book of just poems. My grandmother has published a couple of books of her poems, and I am unsure if she makes any money but honestly it wouldn’t even matter to me. Just being able to write enough poems and have that inspiration to keep going would be enough for me.

Nice weather often makes me feel more inspired and motivated, so this upcoming summer I am planning to go out of my comfort zone and go write outside of my house, and would like to try get back into photography as well. Maybe I can incorporate my photos with my poetry, but we will see! ♡