Resilience.

I had a great weekend, which was much needed after this shit week. Yesterday my boyfriend and I went out for lunch and we played some pool, and I got a little tipsy on some vodka sprites haha. I love spending time with him, whether its in the house or out in public. Today we helped a couple of friends move out of their apartment, and although it was a lot of work I actually just enjoyed being with Cameron and everyone else. On the weekends, I have been much better about forgetting about work and just enjoying my time.

I try to think of my weekends and my life with Cameron as being my life, and work just being a part of the day where I am away from my life. When you think about it, that is how it really is. For some reason I just let work make me anxious, and it has always been a battle. Last week was the first week where I didn’t throw up before work on Thursday… but I still threw up on Monday. I think it’s because what happens at work isn’t really predictable; besides that, I have only been there two and a half months. When I don’t know what to expect, or how to solve every problem that can arise, that is when I experience the most anxiety.

I always feel that I have to be in control, which has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in an unpredictable environment. Although I could predict that there would be fights and drinking, I didn’t know if there would just be an argument, or a full out screaming match, or if things would get physical. Although I knew there wasn’t much variance from the normal every day routine of morning coffee to 6:00pm Miller Lite’s ( don’t forget the Jager shots on the weekends), there was still that question of how things would escalate, and when. If I was home, I was always on edge. I tried my hardest to be out of the apartment, or I would dive into a distraction.

Now my life is overall pretty predictable, and I honestly enjoy it. Work is the only thing that is unpredictable at this point, and I know that with time I will learn more and more, and the anxiety will continue to decrease, so I am not letting this work anxiety spill into my actual life. I know it is only temporary, and it does not define me. I am not my anxiety, I am my resilience. I still get up and go to work, even if it makes me physically ill in the morning. I am strong, and it’s time that I recognize this in myself. Of course there are times where I am weak and vulnerable, but who isn’t? And in those times, I have my incredible boyfriend and my wonderful friends who support and love me, and I make sure to do the same in return.

I think it is important that we recognize what truly matters in life. It seems the only time people remember is when it is too late, and that is too bad. I make sure to remind my boyfriend that I appreciate him and everything he does for me. I make sure to tell my friends that I love and care for them. I make sure to call my mom and talk to her. It seems that a lot of people have lost sight of what matters, and what can lead to true happiness. We can make our own happiness, but doing it with others is fun too. ♡

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