Slow down.

I need my brain to slow down. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and stop getting mad at myself for being anxious, but its a struggle. I know it will get better with time as long, as I keep actively trying to shut down the negative thoughts and remember to replace them with positive ones. When I’m getting frustrated, I just remind myself that the only way to get better is to remain calm and to not be so hard on myself.

On Monday of this week I didn’t throw up before work, but come Tuesday morning I was back on my schedule, and today I threw up again. I understand why my anxiety is high, but I also just wish that I could control it better. I really don’t want to increase my medication, and that’s mainly because my goal is to come off of them and I feel that if I increase the dose, that’s just longer time I’ll have to take to wean off of them, not to mention more side effects to experience.

Work is super stressful, obviously, but I know it’s nothing I can’t handle. I knew when I interviewed for this job that this is what I wanted/needed. It’s hard at first as I am still learning an entire system, while re-learning insurance information/dental coding, while also not having anyone at the front desk to help me. I keep reminding myself that we’re hiring someone to be up there to help me, which is lift a tremendous weight off my shoulders. If I am balancing it now, which I am, I will be able to excel at this job when I have more help.

Although I am confident at times, my anxiety often takes over and gets the best of me. I do not want to live like this forever, so I am practicing what my therapist has suggested and plan to keep seeing her for a while. I’ve been practicing my breathing and reminding myself that nothing that happens at work could be that bad. Despite all of that, this morning when I was doing my 54321’s (when you pick five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, etc.) I was not even able to get down to number four before my mind was racing about work.

I struggle with taking it “day by day,” as I am always thinking a million steps ahead, but I know that taking it day by day would make my life so much easier. I would obviously still plan ahead and remain responsible, but I have to remember that I’ve only been working here for three weeks and am still learning every day. The doctor I work for and the other employees all are so thankful that I’m there and are so appreciative, which makes things great! I’m just hoping I can overcome this anxiety somewhat soon, because throwing up every morning is not exactly fun.

I’m not giving up on this job just because my anxiety is high. I feel like I was made for this, and I know I can overcome my anxiety; I just need to be more patient and keep working on myself. ♡

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