Dive in.

I’ve been trying hard to distract myself from the Sunday blues, but I can’t help but think about the fact that I might be an anxious mess tomorrow morning. However, I am going to do what my new therapist told me to do. I’m going to practice mindful breathing/meditation, and remind myself that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I am looking forward to the challenge of getting the hang of this new job, and excelling at it in the future, as I typically do.

I’m often still battling with myself in my head, but thankfully these disputes are much calmer than before. I felt that I was constantly shitting on myself and feeding my brain a bunch of negative thoughts which is very unhealthy. Although I still have some negative thoughts, I’m working on being more positive and kind to myself. I’m working on being able to ground myself, and stay focused on what is happening in the moment, rather than worrying too much about things that haven’t even happened yet.

My new job is stressful, mostly because there isn’t really a set structure or training, and I am the type of person who needs that type of order. Lucky for me, once I learn the system a bit more I will be able to organize and create an order that works well for me and my fellow employees. The doctor I work for already thinks I’m doing a great job, which makes me happy, yet I still have so much anxiety when I think about going.

I started seeing a new therapist last week, and after only one visit I am already happy I waited to see her. She listens and she understands a lot about how the physical body correlates with anxiety. She talks about being able to separate the body’s physical fight/flight reactions from the anxious thoughts, which is exactly what I need to be able to do. I feel my anxiety has become more crippling, but only in the mornings. I think it’s because that’s the first thing I do is worry about what is to come, since my job isn’t really quite a routine for me yet, but I have to remember that this is how it always is in the beginning.

I’m trying hard to take everything day by day. I make sure I’m still doing things I enjoy after work so that my life does not become consumed by my new job and my anxiety around it. Honestly, the worst thing that could happen at work is that I get fired, and in which case I honestly could get a new job fast, or I’m sure I could even get my old job back if needed. I know I have no reason to fear those things happening, but it helps me to remind myself that even the worst-case scenario isn’t that bad.

My therapist said something to me towards the end of our session that made me feel somewhat proud of myself. She said that a lot of people with anxiety have the tendency to avoid the things that make them anxious, but that I just “dive in.” And honestly, she’s right! For the most part, I do not avoid the things that make me anxious; I tackle them head-on. I’d like to think it’s because I’m a strong person, but honestly I feel like I just prioritize my anxieties. For example, I personally couldn’t call off of work because of my anxiety, (even though it literally makes me vomit) because the thought of missing out of money for my bills, as well as falling behind at work makes me more anxious. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Its almost as if some anxieties are more important than others in a way.

Anyways, I am excited to be on this journey of self-reflection and self-care, while also being able to have the freedom of being a manager at my new job. There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, which is a big trigger for my anxiety, but luckily I am taking steps to improve myself, and that is what matters most. ♡

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