Things have been feeling a lot less heavy lately; I’m finally feeling like I can breathe and that I am in control of myself and my thoughts. I enjoy this feeling and will continue to cherish this time, as I know it may not last forever. The fact that I can feel this free and light is incredible to me, and I will remember this if I stumble into the darkness again. It really can get better, if you’re willing to work for it. I will say though, that the environment and people around you are important in your progress as well.
Being outside is something that genuinely brings me happiness, even if I am simply going on a walk. My boyfriend does not enjoy walks or going out as much as I do, but that does not keep me from doing what I love. Of course I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend (I mean, he is my favorite person ♡), but I also enjoy being outdoors and am aware that it is necessary for me to get out of the house every day. He always encourages me to do what makes me happy, and understands my need for sunlight and fresh air. There are times that he joins me on walks or at the pool, but it is important for me to feel comfortable doing these things on my own as well. This year I feel like I have accomplished a lot in that manner, and for that I am proud.
I have started going to therapy, and even thought I’ve only had a couple sessions, I already feel like I am making progress. I feel that it is getting easier for me to put the puzzle pieces together when it comes to figuring out why certain things make me feel different ways. Although it can be scary, digging into your triggers is also beneficial and, for me personally, empowering. I feel like I am learning about myself, and being able to understand why I think/feel certain ways gives me this sense of comfort and confidence in myself. Something I recently have come to realize is that most of my childhood, even up into high school, was spent outside. I was always walking, or on a bike, or a long-board. I had so many neighbors and we were all close friends, and I spent every moment I could with them. Outside as always been my happy place, but inside was a different story.
My therapist and I haven’t really talked about my childhood yet, but I plan to next time I see her. I feel like I just need to dive back into whatever traumas gave me all of this anxiety and depression, so I can face them head on and defeat them. It is extremely frustrating as a control freak to feel like you’re not even in control of your own thoughts and emotions. I had a lot of anger built up against myself, because I didn’t understand why my anxiety was making me throw up, or why simple inconvenience would set me off. Instead I would just get upset and self-destruct, which I also recognized and in turn would then get even more angry with myself.
I no longer feel angry with myself, only curious as to why I think and feel certain ways. Honestly, I am excited to explore my psyche and analyze myself in a new perspective. There is a part of me that is scared, but I know in the end that this will only benefit me. I want to love myself, and I also want my future children to love themselves and not be riddled with depression and anxiety. Life is much more enjoyable when you’re not focused on the negative aspects of your life. Everyone struggles, but suffering truly is optional. ♡