Volcano.

These past few weeks have been rough. I feel that I am re-connecting with myself, which is a good thing, however what is coming up is mainly anger and resentment I have kept deep inside for several years. I feel the real me is coming to the surface again; the problem is I don’t know how to deal with the emotions and conflicts that are arising. I have been too involved with those who surround me, experiencing their feelings as they go through them, and during this time I have neglected myself. I am realizing now that I cannot do that any longer. I am exhausting myself, both physically and mentally.

In the past few days, some of the pent up rage that I had sitting inside of me made its way to the surface. At one point I was crying so hard that I nearly vomited. My body was shaking and I felt like I was trapped inside my own mind.  I had no idea how to handle what I was experiencing. I ended up having a not-so cordial discussion with my parents via text (yeah, not the best idea I’ve had) and I got some things out that I really needed, and I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. As much as I know it could hurt their feelings, I remembered that they had no problem ignoring my feelings in the past. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I also do not have to put up with the negative B.S. anymore.

I believe that one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is cut negative people out of your life… and sometimes that includes family. The hard part for me is that I feel guilty about shutting someone out, even when it is well deserved. I am always concerned about how others feel, and I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  The thing is, I have to remember that when someone doesn’t treat you well for a long period of time, it is okay to distance yourself from them. There is no reason to keep toxic people in your life, when all they are trying to do is bring you down. You have earned the right to be happy with yourself, and if someone is constantly trying to ruin your progress, then they do not have a right to be in your life.

I just want to say that writing is kind of my therapy right now, and I appreciate all who are reading. Even if no one is reading this, I am proud of myself for starting this blog and staying dedicated to it. I am also happy that I have already seen progress in discovering parts of me, and learning how to love those parts, even when they aren’t easy to deal with. I will continue this journey, because I deserve to love myself. ♡

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