Why is it so easy to love other people, but not myself? It comes naturally for me to see the good in people, yet not in myself. I could tell you every great characteristic about my best friend or my boyfriend or a random person on the street, yet when it comes to me, I have none. Don’t get me wrong, I could probably list some vague, typical traits that most humans have and call it a day, but I can genuinely say that I do not love myself.
I’m not saying this for sympathy and I don’t want anyone to feel “sad” for me or tell me how great I am… this is simply how I feel. I have too much that goes on in my brain, and I can honestly say the thoughts I have about myself aren’t great. I am constantly putting myself down, and focusing on my “flaws” or my “faults” and I know that I am literally torturing myself with these negative thoughts, yet I continue through the cycle because I do not care. I don’t care enough to put it that effort, because I don’t feel that I am worth it. I know I will just end up back here in my dark place, and I think I’m so used to it that I gave up. I gave up on myself.
My best friend sent me a quote the other day that said: “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” The problem with this quote, for me, is that criticizing myself has worked; I have criticized myself to the point where I am no longer good enough for me (if I ever was). As much as I want to approve of myself and write down and repeat happy phrases in my head, I have days like today where I don’t feel like I will get any better.
I have an issue where I am afraid to fail, and the other issue is I always assume I will fail which usually results in me not trying at all, or me giving up after the slightest inconvenience comes around. When I sit and think about me and my life, this is not what I want to be at all. I want to be the person who works towards goals and dreams, and I want to actually care about my physical and mental health. Hopefully this blog will help me get to that point- I mean I did do this for me, and I haven’t given up yet. ♡