Why is it so easy to love other people, but not myself? It comes naturally for me to see the good in people, yet not in myself. I could tell you every great characteristic about my best friend or my boyfriend or a random person on the street, yet when it comes to me, I have none. Don’t get me wrong, I could probably list some vague, typical traits that most humans have and call it a day, but I can genuinely say that I do not love myself.

I’m not saying this for sympathy and I don’t want anyone to feel “sad” for me or tell me how great I am… this is simply how I feel. I have too much that goes on in my brain, and I can honestly say the thoughts I have about myself aren’t great. I am constantly putting myself down, and focusing on my “flaws” or my “faults” and I know that I am literally torturing myself with these negative thoughts, yet I continue through the cycle because I do not care. I don’t care enough to put it that effort, because I don’t feel that I am worth it. I know I will just end up back here in my dark place, and I think I’m so used to it that I gave up. I gave up on myself.

My best friend sent me a quote the other day that said: “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” The problem with this quote, for me, is that criticizing myself has worked; I have criticized myself to the point where I am no longer good enough for me (if I ever was). As much as I want to approve of myself and write down and repeat happy phrases in my head, I have days like today where I don’t feel like I will get any better.

I have an issue where I am afraid to fail, and the other issue is I always assume I will fail which usually results in me not trying at all, or me giving up after the slightest inconvenience comes around. When I sit and think about me and my life, this is not what I want to be at all. I want to be the person who works towards goals and dreams, and I want to actually care about my physical and mental health. Hopefully this blog will help me get to that point- I mean I did do this for me, and I haven’t given up yet. ♡

My favorite band released a new album on June 15th, and today was the first day I listened to every song on it. Listening to them always brings me to a place in my mind where I feel the most real. I do not consider myself to be a “fake” person, but I do feel that I put on a smile more often than I actually want to, and I tolerate certain things that I probably shouldn’t. I rarely speak my thoughts allowed in fear of how it would affect someone else. I am someone who never likes to “rock the boat”; I basically avoid confrontation. I would much rather there be no conflict and just have peace, but also I cannot let people walk all over me, and that is why this is something that I want to work on.

I’m not saying that I want to go around shoving my opinions in everyone’s business and blatantly offending people, however I do plan to be more open and vocal about my thoughts, rather than silently agreeing to avoid conflict. I will express my perspective and viewpoints, even when I am disagreeing with someone. I plan to express how I am feeling, and I will not have shame for my emotions and thoughts, because they are mine. I have to embrace the fact that I am an emotional person, and remember that I am an empath. I often absorb other people’s emotional burdens, and take them on even if I have never been their situation.

I find being an empath to be a blessing and a curse; I enjoy being able to relate and connect with the people I love, but it is exhausting to completely feel other people’s emotions, especially when I end up ignoring my own. I find that when I have close friends or family members going through tough situations, I often am so focused on how they are feeling, that I inherit what they feel and no longer care about my own feelings. This can go on for days, weeks, months… however long the situation is that they are going through. For the most part, I can only handle people in small doses, as it drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is and of itself already upsets some of my friends, but I can only handle so much.

This is who I am, and I have to remember that it is okay to take time away from people. It is actually a great idea to take time away from people, and focus on yourself.  One of the benefits of being an empath is something that happened to me just today, and it is actually the inspiration for this post: music. Simply listening to a powerful lyrics has a positive affect on me, and that is one of the blessings I have being an empath. As I write this ending, lyrics are pouring into my ears, filling my mind, and bringing me to the place where I feel truly myself. ♡

 

This is a learning experience for me. I often will start different projects or hobbies, and I always give up on them. I realize that I am the only one hindering myself from reaching my goals. I have let myself stand in the way of progressing, and for that I have resented myself. I am on a journey to learn how to let go, and move forward. I hope to attain an understanding of what it means to truly love myself, and how to appreciate and admire every aspect of who I am. I hope others are able to join me on this adventure. ♡

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” – Diane Von Furtstenberg