Running.

I know I haven’t posted in a while (shocker), but it’s been a bit rough. The past week has consisted of vet visits for 2 of my 3 cats, racking up a bill of $900 and hopefully we do not need to go back. I’ve been so anxious about my cats not feeling well and am constantly paranoid that I’m going to come home to a dead cat, despite the vets not being very concerned.

Sometimes I really hate my brain. I hate that I worry even when thing are out of my control, and I worry even when I’m told things are okay. Over the last weekend I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, as I’d wake up every hour sweating and my heart would be racing. My stomach pain was terrible and for 2 days in a row I threw up foam/bile in the morning. I even ended up calling off of work, which I almost never do, but the pain was so bad and I felt so sick and fatigued.

It’s just crazy to me that I am literally making myself physically ill, and feel as though I have no way to control it sometimes. Even when I lay down and breathe deeply, counting my breaths in and out, my heart never seems to calm down. Not to mention for the last couple of weeks I’ve had on and off chest pain, so I’m half convinced I’m going to have a heart attack or maybe a pulmonary embolism due to my stress/anxiety.

I need to go back to therapy, I know I do. Of course money is a bit tight right now due to my fur babies, but I need to learn ways to control my anxiety. I have been on Zoloft before, and I will never do that again. I will definitely try to avoid medications as much as possible, because my experience on Zoloft was not great. I know everyone is different, and I am happy that there are people who can benefit from that prescription, but for me it was too much.

When I took Zoloft, I was completely flat. I really didn’t care about much, which I guess is what I thought I wanted, but it was different. I never cried, not even at Grey’s Anatomy and I am always a baby when it comes to that show. The point when I really realized it was bad was when my boyfriend and I had watched Captain Phillips, a movie that makes my boyfriend who literally never cries tear up, and I didn’t feel the need to cry at all. None. Nothing upset me, nothing made me that happy; I literally just felt nothing. I stopped going to my psychiatrist, because when I told her I wanted to come off of the medication, she told me to stay on for a few more months. So, I ended up quitting cold turkey (bad idea, do not recommend) and never went back on another prescription.

I will likely not see a psychiatrist again, unless a therapist/psychologist is very persistent about it, but I’d rather learn to do this on my own if I can. It’s definitely a struggle, especially when my anxiety is making me physically ill, but I’m just gonna keep moving forward and shop around for therapists. ♡

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