I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t done anything in a while. I mean I have gone to a couple of pumpkin patches, and I did survive a haunted house… but other than that I haven’t been motivated.

A few weeks ago I was reading a couple of self-improvement books, I was writing in journals, and I even tried an aerial yoga class. I was feeling motivated and good, but then I kept getting stuck in my head. My best friend and I weren’t talking and it was really bothering me, and making me evaluate myself as a person. I starting thinking that maybe I am not the greatest friend. I don’t go out a lot, because lately I have been liking being home. I don’t feel motivated to be helpful, but then I sit around at home feeling guilty. I just kept thinking these terrible thoughts about myself, and then I was attracting negative energy.

I ended up not going to see Mayday Parade because I was bailed on, and all of my alternative options fell through. I also had misplaced my favorite ring that my boyfriend bought for me last year (which has since been found), but I was feeling super overwhelmed. I was becoming so upset and I decided I’d open my fortune cookie that I got from Panda Express earlier that day, because I love fortune cookies. I took the plastic wrapper off and cracked open the cookie, only to find nothing inside… so naturally I burst into tears. “When it rains, it pours,” is the truest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.

But luckily for me, even thought I didn’t go to Mayday Parade, I was able to hang out with a good friend of mine and go through a haunted house (although it was absolutely terrifying). Not only that, but my best friend ended up reaching out to me and we had an open line of communication and we were able to work everything out. I plan to start reading again, and journal-ling, and I would like to start practicing yoga and/or meditation more often, but I wanted to start here. ♡

“You’re being selfish.”

That one hurts the most.

It hurts because we already feel guilty for “being selfish.” We feel guilty when we can’t help. We feel guilty when we cancel/bail on plans. We feel guilty when we don’t respond to messages. To be told that we don’t care enough about others, or that we only care about ourselves is hurtful; especially when we do care. Sometimes we care so much about others that can be physically/emotionally exhausting. Sometimes, we start to actually feel other people’s emotions, to the point where we hold them and cannot separate them from our own. Sometimes we NEED to take a step away in order for us to heal ourselves. And trust me, we overthink saying “no” or canceling anything because we are so focused on how others are feeling and making sure everyone else is okay. And when we finally say “no” after weeks/months/years of constantly doing everything to please others, just know it took a lot to do that. For some of us, it may feel like an accomplishment to say “no.” So to accomplish something and then to be told that you’re being selfish, just brings back those feelings of guilt and self-hatred. & I know I am not speaking for everyone, as we all have our own minds & not everyone feels this way/experiences this… but I share this in hopes that there are others like me who can relate. ♡