“I just need a way out of my head.”

When I first heard “Come back to earth” off of Mac Miller’s album Swimming, I knew that I wasn’t alone. So when he passed away, it felt like I lost one of the only people who knew what I was going through. Mac’s passing has been super difficult for me, and I never talk about it because I feel like people just think I’m bring dramatic or I’m lying. I know that is a dumb reason, because I shouldn’t care what people think, but I think the issue for me is that I know they don’t relate or understand. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people were hurt by his passing, including fans like me; but I just feel that not many people I know are hurting like I am. I cried when he died. I actually cried several times, over several days, and even two nights ago I just broke down in tears. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I just keep seeing it all over social media, but at the same time, it is more than that. I grew up listening to Mac Miller, and he only continued to get better and better throughout his career. Swimming has changed my life, and I will forever be grateful that he was able to release this album before his death.

I think the hardest part for me is realizing that even though he was making music and pursuing his dreams, he still carried pain around with him. I believe that he was doing drugs to numb the pain, because expressing it through music wasn’t enough to actually relieve his misery. That terrifies me. It terrifies me because I know my life isn’t bad, and I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to love; but I never truly feel happy, and I don’t know if I ever will. Lately I have been isolating myself, as well as arguing with myself in my head, and I feel like I can’t stop. I have been trying to practice self care by doing little things such as painting my nails, doing stretches/yoga, and eating better. I even signed up for an aerial yoga class, but I feel like even though I am physically doing things, my mental state doesn’t reflect the same progress. I am the person who knows me the most, and I don’t even know how to make myself happy. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I could end up like Malcolm (Mac). Luckily, I rarely drink alcohol and I don’t do drugs, however I feel like I could easily become an addict if I ever took something. But I mean that’s easy, I just won’t try anything, it just scares me to know that if I did, I would likely spiral out of control. My parents are both alcoholics, and I’d definitely say I have an addictive personality, so it just scares me to know that a dumb decision could really change me/my life.

As I have stated before, my house is always clean. Even as a child, my room was always organized, and there was never anything on the floor that didn’t belong there. When I was in school my locker was always organized, and in elementary school my desk stayed neat. In general, I am a very clean person, but the other day my boyfriend made a comment about how he doesn’t understand how I am so messy (referring to me eating Doritos with nacho cheese). He has made many comments over the years about how I am such a messy eater, and he is absolutely right! But for some reason, that night I couldn’t help but think about how that was a metaphor of my life. I always make sure everything is neat and perfect around me, but I don’t care enough to do the same for myself. I rarely wear any makeup or “dress-up”, other than my business casual work attire. I rarely buy things for myself, other than iced coffee, because whenever I do I just feel guilty or feel like I didn’t deserve it. At this point in my life I need to stop people-pleasing, and start focusing on what I want and need, I just don’t know how to get out of my head.

“In my own way, this feel like living. Some alternate reality. And I was drowning, but now I’m swimming through stressful waters, to relief.” ♡

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