Getting coffee.

Today is a good Monday. I took advantage of this Labor day by doing exactly what you should do: labor!  I started off my day cleaning the house. I swept the upstairs, cleaned out the bathtub, did the dishes, and vacuumed. I even washed our bedding and was done with everything by 11:00am. I decided to re-paint my nails since one of them chipped yesterday, and I took a long, hot shower. Not to mention I ate a decent amount of carbs today, but hey, we all need it sometime. I started looking into some fun fitness classes so I can really start working on myself and do something I enjoy for once. It truly is incredible what a little bit of self care can do for the mind, and I really needed this today.

I’ve been in such a slump lately. I am sure the rain has a lot to do with it, but I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed. My best friend hasn’t talked to me in weeks, and to be honest I miss her a lot. In our last conversation, she was not the nicest person and I don’t feel like I should reach out to her at this point. I have to let her come to me, if she even wants to. I feel like if I reach out, she is going to think I automatically forgive her, which is not the case. Honestly, I am tired of being stepped on and I am tired of being guilt tripped all of the time. It is already hard enough for me to be around certain personality types for too long, but to have passive comments thrown at me when I cannot make a last minute plan makes me feel like shit. I sit and start to overthink, and I end up blaming myself and hating myself.

This past week I have been arguing with myself in my mind whether I am really a good friend or not. I can say that I genuinely care about people; so much so that I literally can feel what they feel. I recently read a post that said “I am not a consistent friend, I am a dependable friend,” and I couldn’t have related more. I may not be at every event that you invite me to, and I may want to stay home by myself on days that you want to go out, but I am always there when you need me. If you are having a hard time and need to talk, I will make time to talk, even if it is just on the phone. Or I will make sure we plan a day to go get coffee or lunch so we can talk about you and what is going on. I want to help people the most I can, but I also have to pay attention to myself and how I am feeling.

Ironically enough, during this time of my best friend’s hiatus from me, my ex best friend reached out to me. She just basically prefaced it with telling me she found something that reminded her of me, and she said she hoped I was doing well and loving myself/life. Of course at this point I have been down for several days and not really loving myself/life at all. I just responded and said I wished the same for her and I hope her family is doing well. That was it. At first I was thinking maybe I should ask her to meet up so we could talk. I just kept thinking about when we were having our falling out I told her “maybe in a couple of years we could get coffee,” and we just hit two years of not speaking. However, my boyfriend and a couple of other friends were offended that this person did not apologize to me when she reached out, which I agree with completely. This friend literally had no respect for me, and by the end of the friendship it was apparent that she did not care about me. Just because a couple of years went by, it does not mean that she has grown or changed. What further validated this for me was I went on her twitter feed shortly after she messaged me, and she had posted that she was listening to her horoscope and reaching out to an old friend… Well, in that case I am also going to read the signs here and steer clear.

I am a good person, and I am proud of who I am. I am not manipulative, nor vindictive. I am not selfish, nor conceited. I have compassion for humans and I know that everyone has their own shit and hard times they have gone through. I care about the people I love, more than they even know. I cannot tell you that I will be the friend to come over to your place every other day, or even every other week. I may not be the friend who is involved in planning events or going out every time, but I am always here to listen or to offer advice when you need it. If that is not enough, then it is what it is. I have to focus on my mental and emotional health, as does everyone. I want to continue working on myself and moving forward in life, both within me and also in my career goals. If that is not something you want to encourage or be a part of, then maybe in a few years we can get coffee. Until then, I will continue to work on being the best version of myself. ♡

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