I survived yesterday! The work day felt super productive and didn’t drag on for me which was nice, but of course it couldn’t be a perfectly smooth transition- I was crying and overwhelmed once I was home for an hour or so.
Everything was fine when I got home, I talked to my boyfriend about his day and I emptied the dishwasher, it was really when it came to what we were going to have for dinner. I am doing my grocery shopping on Wednesday, which means there is currently a lack of groceries in the house.
We had agreed on a frozen pasta meal that I suggested, but then I realized we didn’t have any. So I apologized for that (which he didn’t think was necessary), and then offered that we air-fry some burgers! Well I pre-heated the air fryer and put the fries in the oven, and once the air fryer was done preheating, I realized that I never washed it out from before.
This is where I started to get super frustrated and overwhelmed with myself and I told my boyfriend that apparently we were just having fries for dinner because now the air fryer was too hot to clean out and I was just having a rough time. He was, again, completely understanding and didn’t mind the dinner change once again- but I was so upset.
I was upset with myself and I was trying to diagnose where it was coming from, and it seems to me that it’s from not being able to do stuff correctly on my own. I felt like I failed, because even though I had the day basically planned, I failed the dinner part. Also, I was pissed at myself because I usually always clean out the air fryer and I clearly didn’t and also didn’t check before I started preheating it.
When the idea came of asking for help, that’s when I started to tear up, because I can ask for help, and not everyone can do everything on their own. It’s okay to need help and I luckily have someone in my life that would help me without complaining, and without holding it over my head.
As a child I tried to do everything on my own, and when I was finally moving out my father made it a point to tell me that I’d fail and come crying back (which has not happened, nor will it happen). I think subconsciously this sits in my mind and makes me feel angry and upset whenever I do feel like I’m “failing,” and I know I just need to be less hard on myself.
I scheduled an appointment with my therapist as I now have a new schedule, but I still can’t get in to see her for a couple months. In the meantime I will have to be observant of myself and take notes on how I feel and what comes up for me in those moments of anxiety/overwhelm.
Today is a new day and I’m hoping to handle things better than last night, but in reality I still handled that situation much better than I would have in the past. I am actively looking inward as to why I feel certain things, rather than just letting the emotion absorb me. Healing takes time, and it’s worth it.