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Since I was young girl, I have used writing as an outlet; a way to truly express my emotions without judgment. When I discovered poetry, I found it so intriguing that I could turn what felt like thousands of chaotic thoughts into a few stanzas of art. When I write, it is almost as though the words just flow through me. Sometimes I look back at the poems I’ve written and I’m like: “woah…I wrote that?” When I am in the process, I am so present in the moment that I just let everything go and sink into my flow state. I find comfort in writing poetry, as it allows me to take a step back and lean into my creative side. As a sensitive soul, feeling is truly healing, and poetry allows me to truly embrace this.
Welcome to the shadows of my brain.
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Frigid
She watches one of the last orange leaves float down onto the pavement,
And listens to the loud crunch when a child’s boot crushes it with ease.
Autumn is ending, and she knows that the trees will die and soon be covered in snow.
The air will be chilled and quiet, except for the occasional noise from sharp winds and cracking ice.
She’s never felt so in tune with the world, than in this approaching season.
She lets the bitter, cold winter consume her.
It’s almost as though she feels her organs calcify inside of her body, and the blood freezing in her veins.
She lies motionless all day; any movement is hard on her icy bones.
All she can feel is the stinging emptiness inside of her.
Even though her surroundings are warm, she is frozen in her silent hell.
Lying still, her frosted flesh glistening in the sunshine.
The sun beaming onto her skin, making tears drip from every inch of her body.
She feels the heat melting away the frost, warming her on the surface.
She can feel the blood start to run beneath her skin, and feels the soft beating in her chest.
She wants to let the warm, welcoming spring consume her.
She wants to watch the plants come back to life, and admire the new, blooming flowers.
She wants to listen to the birds chirping, and the wind blowing softly against the leaves.
It is bright outside, and the pale blue sky is holding the fluffiest of clouds.
But even with the sun shining, she still remains in the dark.
All of the warmth can’t melt the ice around her heart.
Inside, a sense of numbness lingers.
She aches to feel complete and whole, but she can’t escape that hollow feeling within.
So she embraces the idea that she is stuck in the darkness.
She becomes one with that frigid feeling in her soul.
And she lets it consume her.
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Faults
You pick me up above your head, just to put me back down and kick me while I’m there
You ask my how my day is every day, just to slur “shut the fuck up” from across the room every night
You tell me that I am smart and you’re proud of me, just to call me a “dumbass bitch” later on
You tell me that you love my glasses, just to turn around slap them off my face
You say to be honest and true, yet I see you hiding pills that have someone else’s name on the bottle
You ask how I am doing, just to tell me that I am not doing well enough
You curse me out and insult me, just to drown yourself in liquor and pretend it didn’t happen
All I want is out. I know I don’t deserve this, and you do too, which is why you drink every night
You drink to “forget” how you’ve threatened to put me in the hospital
You drink to “forget” lighting up a cigarette in the apartment and blowing it all over my clothes
You drink to “forget” that you told me to slit my wrists
You drink to “forget” the fact that YOU are the problem
But, I am aware of your faults
I remember the hurtful words you’ve screamed in my face
I remember you putting me in a headlock and breaking my necklace
I remember the police coming to the door every weekend because you were trashed and out of control
I remember that YOU were the problem
Once I found my way out, you told me I’d coming crying back
You told me that I would beg to come back and that you wouldn’t let me back in
I knew at that moment that whatever happened, I would NOT come back
And I have to live with these memories, while you continue to live in denial
However I will not scream insults at you, because it is not worth my time
I will not ask how you are doing, because I do not care anymore
This is your fault.
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Before
I just want to talk to you like I used to; before her. I want to go back to when I was young, and I was the only one. I didn’t have to share your attention, it was all mine. I was the apple of your eye; but I wasn’t enough. You left me for your new love, and I can’t do anything about that. Only you can; but you
Won’t
Don’t
…can’t.
At least you think you can’t. After almost 13 years with her, why would you give her up? You’ve grown so close; an inseparable bond. It’s a love so strong that no one can break it, but you couldn’t have it with your only child. I was the one who was there from the beginning. I grew inside of you for nine months, and I left those marks on your stomach. I showed you what love really was. I deserve to have real conversations with my mother, without her present. She ruined this family. Why did you let her?! Do you realize what she has done?
We don’t talk anymore.
Dad doesn’t want me here, because of her.
She is such an instigator. Whenever she is around, there’s always an argument.
She brings out the worst in everyone.
This is your fault. You brought her here; both of you. And now you can’t get rid of her. With her here, there will never be happiness. You are going to lose me because of her. Fuck her. I wish you never stepped foot in that aisle. Never grabbed her off that shelf. Never took that sip; that shot, that swig. Never let her get you in her grasp; her tight, un-releasing grip. But she did, and you let her. She won.
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Fear
She’s terrified of falling
too hard, too fast
into something
that might not last
Her innocence restrains her
She’s swallowed by fear
and down her cheek streams
one single, warm tear
She never learned how to love
Every guy did her wrong
But she’s scared that she may push away
the one who could help her along
He could be the one
He is one of a kind
But there is a fear that still lingers
in the back of her mind
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Rush
Embrace me in your arms
Stare deep into my eyes
Flash me your perfect smile
that sends me butterflies
Grasp my hand in the rain
Let our fingers intertwine
Hold me tight in the frigid air
Promise me that you’ll stay mine
Always flawless when we’re as one
Every moment we’re together
Being with you is all I can ask for
This love we share will last forever
Everything you do makes me smile
Your kind compliments make me blush
We proved that dreams can become reality
Being with you is an endless rush
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Nothing is okay when you’re not around
It feels like everything starts crumbling to the ground
The tears start falling; the terrible thoughts come rushing back
It’s hard to keep it in… I’m beginning to crack
But then you call, and that helpless feeling goes away
Everything is better… I just hope that you stay
Because I don’t know how I could live alone
if I’m like this after only one day of you being gone
I’m scared of myself; I’m scared of what I’ll do
If someday I’m not with you.
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All the stress, and the lies
The images that burn my eyes
Yell, scream, hit the wall
Try to fly, but always fall
Grab the blade, hide the scars
Stare into space at the stars
Wishing to be anywhere but here
All of these feelings make it clear
No time left, grab the rope
Tie a knot around your throat
Pull it tight, a few more seconds
It’ll be alright, its time to end this
Now it’s over, the demons have won
Your precious life is now done
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Drip drop, across my skin
On the blade, cut deep in
Embrace the pain, look above
Die cry hate, not live laugh love
Where do I go?
What do I say?
Why the fuck do I feel this way?
The pain feels great when I’m mad
But seeing the scars makes me sad
What’s wrong with me?
Am I depressed?
Too bad I died before I could write the rest.
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He makes his way through the school
Never understanding why they gave him strange stares
Maybe it was because he did his work and followed the rules
Or maybe it was because of what he wears
People would judge the way he walked and spoke
They mimicked his actions and every word he said
They all laughed and acted as if he was a joke
and they told him “No one would care if you were dead.”
He sat alone and let the painful words sink in
The judgement and torment, he couldn’t handle it all
When he walked over that ledge, he was the happiest he had ever been
He felt free as he allowed himself to fall
Now he doesn’t have to deal with the cruelty and hate
All of the students say “he was beautiful,” but they said it too late.
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I could still feel you flowing through my veins
Even with you inside, I still felt hollow
I pushed the blade that allowed you to escape from me,
but I couldn’t help but follow
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Its 11:00am
I have just awoken. I lie perfectly still as your gently glide your fingertips across my arm, making your presence known.
Its 6:00pm
I remain isolated in my room. I’m under my covers, and I don’t feel quite right. You kiss my cheek, letting me know you’re still there.
Its 1:00am
The tears won’t stop falling. I have a million thoughts racing through my brain. I want it all to stop. You wrap yourself tightly around me, making sure I know that you’re never going to leave.
(living with anxiety.)
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He looked at her with admiration beaming through his bright, brown eyes.
“You are I… we are inevitable.”
She looked up at him with a slight smile and whispered:
“So is death.”
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Voices
Deep sorrow and emptiness inside
When the voices judge and criticize
Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
Those ones are the worst kind
They know all of my flaws
They remember every single fault
They’re the reason I stay in bed
And ignore everyone’s calls
I started talking back to them
Told them to shut up and go away
That only created more chaos
For me to live in every day
I talk to myself more than anybody else
Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else
And I don’t want to be in this pain
Deep confusion, yet hope inside
When the voices open up and realize
Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
Those are the most important kind
They see all of my flaws
They forgive every single fault
They recognize the self-defeating patterns
And they take time to pause
I started talking back to them
Told them they weren’t that bad
Decided to stop judging myself
And forgave myself for being mad
I talk to myself more than anybody else
Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else
And I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain
Deep alignment and happiness inside
When the voices listen and empathize
Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
Those are the most important kind
They love all of my flaws
Compassion is the new default
They’ve become my new best friends
And it feels much better than it was
I started talking back to them
Told them they’re here to stay
We are creating a beautiful life
That I can enjoy every day
I talk to myself more than anybody else
Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
Is what I focus on more than anybody else
And nothing would grow without the rain
Who am I?
Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?
Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?
Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?
Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?
Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?
Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?
Who am I?
I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.
I am light, even with the shadow.
I am love, even with the heaviness.
I am peace, even with the chaos.
To My Younger Self
Hey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?
I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls
You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his
You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings
You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage
You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe
You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay
You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special
A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last
You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control
You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings
You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home
Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration
Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings
Tears stream down my cheeks
They seem to pour out so easily these days
It can be brought on from a few chords and a couple lyrics
Or it can be the simple fact that my husband is sleeping next to me
Life is what I dreamed of, and I can finally feel it
I can feel the love that surrounds me
There is no longer a brick wall in between me and good feelings
Instead, I can truly feel them- I can feel joy easily again
It makes me think of that quote I see all over Instagram
“You’re not healing to be able to handle trauma
You’re used to trauma
You’re healing to be able to handle the joy”
I feel this now, and I feel it deeply
That is the one good thing about being so sensitive
Even though sadness and grief feel gut-wrenching
Happiness and excitement feel enlightening and magical
I am so grateful to be able to feel everything down to my core
I can transmute all my feelings into art
The world needs healers
The world needs feelers
I no longer feel the need to hide in the shadows
I no longer feel ashamed of my anger or agony
I embrace every emotion and thank them for aiding in my growth
I embrace all the love within and around me
Most of all, I am thankful to feel the light in this world
Especially after only feeling darkness for so long
From Dark to Light 