Slow down.

I need my brain to slow down. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and stop getting mad at myself for being anxious, but its a struggle. I know it will get better with time as long, as I keep actively trying to shut down the negative thoughts and remember to replace them with positive ones. When I’m getting frustrated, I just remind myself that the only way to get better is to remain calm and to not be so hard on myself.

On Monday of this week I didn’t throw up before work, but come Tuesday morning I was back on my schedule, and today I threw up again. I understand why my anxiety is high, but I also just wish that I could control it better. I really don’t want to increase my medication, and that’s mainly because my goal is to come off of them and I feel that if I increase the dose, that’s just longer time I’ll have to take to wean off of them, not to mention more side effects to experience.

Work is super stressful, obviously, but I know it’s nothing I can’t handle. I knew when I interviewed for this job that this is what I wanted/needed. It’s hard at first as I am still learning an entire system, while re-learning insurance information/dental coding, while also not having anyone at the front desk to help me. I keep reminding myself that we’re hiring someone to be up there to help me, which is lift a tremendous weight off my shoulders. If I am balancing it now, which I am, I will be able to excel at this job when I have more help.

Although I am confident at times, my anxiety often takes over and gets the best of me. I do not want to live like this forever, so I am practicing what my therapist has suggested and plan to keep seeing her for a while. I’ve been practicing my breathing and reminding myself that nothing that happens at work could be that bad. Despite all of that, this morning when I was doing my 54321’s (when you pick five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, etc.) I was not even able to get down to number four before my mind was racing about work.

I struggle with taking it “day by day,” as I am always thinking a million steps ahead, but I know that taking it day by day would make my life so much easier. I would obviously still plan ahead and remain responsible, but I have to remember that I’ve only been working here for three weeks and am still learning every day. The doctor I work for and the other employees all are so thankful that I’m there and are so appreciative, which makes things great! I’m just hoping I can overcome this anxiety somewhat soon, because throwing up every morning is not exactly fun.

I’m not giving up on this job just because my anxiety is high. I feel like I was made for this, and I know I can overcome my anxiety; I just need to be more patient and keep working on myself. ♡

Dive in.

I’ve been trying hard to distract myself from the Sunday blues, but I can’t help but think about the fact that I might be an anxious mess tomorrow morning. However, I am going to do what my new therapist told me to do. I’m going to practice mindful breathing/meditation, and remind myself that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I am looking forward to the challenge of getting the hang of this new job, and excelling at it in the future, as I typically do.

I’m often still battling with myself in my head, but thankfully these disputes are much calmer than before. I felt that I was constantly shitting on myself and feeding my brain a bunch of negative thoughts which is very unhealthy. Although I still have some negative thoughts, I’m working on being more positive and kind to myself. I’m working on being able to ground myself, and stay focused on what is happening in the moment, rather than worrying too much about things that haven’t even happened yet.

My new job is stressful, mostly because there isn’t really a set structure or training, and I am the type of person who needs that type of order. Lucky for me, once I learn the system a bit more I will be able to organize and create an order that works well for me and my fellow employees. The doctor I work for already thinks I’m doing a great job, which makes me happy, yet I still have so much anxiety when I think about going.

I started seeing a new therapist last week, and after only one visit I am already happy I waited to see her. She listens and she understands a lot about how the physical body correlates with anxiety. She talks about being able to separate the body’s physical fight/flight reactions from the anxious thoughts, which is exactly what I need to be able to do. I feel my anxiety has become more crippling, but only in the mornings. I think it’s because that’s the first thing I do is worry about what is to come, since my job isn’t really quite a routine for me yet, but I have to remember that this is how it always is in the beginning.

I’m trying hard to take everything day by day. I make sure I’m still doing things I enjoy after work so that my life does not become consumed by my new job and my anxiety around it. Honestly, the worst thing that could happen at work is that I get fired, and in which case I honestly could get a new job fast, or I’m sure I could even get my old job back if needed. I know I have no reason to fear those things happening, but it helps me to remind myself that even the worst-case scenario isn’t that bad.

My therapist said something to me towards the end of our session that made me feel somewhat proud of myself. She said that a lot of people with anxiety have the tendency to avoid the things that make them anxious, but that I just “dive in.” And honestly, she’s right! For the most part, I do not avoid the things that make me anxious; I tackle them head-on. I’d like to think it’s because I’m a strong person, but honestly I feel like I just prioritize my anxieties. For example, I personally couldn’t call off of work because of my anxiety, (even though it literally makes me vomit) because the thought of missing out of money for my bills, as well as falling behind at work makes me more anxious. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Its almost as if some anxieties are more important than others in a way.

Anyways, I am excited to be on this journey of self-reflection and self-care, while also being able to have the freedom of being a manager at my new job. There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, which is a big trigger for my anxiety, but luckily I am taking steps to improve myself, and that is what matters most. ♡

Rough.

It’s insane to me how intense my anxiety gets when things change. I recently got a new job, and I’ve thrown up every morning before going to work except for on my first day. I’m not sick or pregnant, it’s literally just my anxiety. I wake up with cold sweats and I’m shaking… I’m making myself physically ill and it’s making me so mad! I can literally sit and tell myself that nothing will be that bad, and that people at my new job already like me and are happy that I’m there to help, yet the physical symptoms won’t go away.

I started a new breathing exercise that one of my good friends recommended to me, and it honestly made me feel a lot better and it calmed me down. The problem is that when I go back to breathing naturally, I almost immediately start thinking about something stressful and my heart starts racing again and it’s an endless cycle. I push the thoughts away, and then they come back. I keep pushing them away, but the worst part of the day is always right when I wake up.

Luckily I am starting therapy on Friday after a couple months of waiting, and I’m just hoping that I really don’t need to increase my medication, however I also cannot be throwing up foam/bile every morning before work. I’m trying so hard to remind myself to take it a day at a time, and not to take things too seriously.

Starting.

I have been feeling much better lately, and I am finally going to start seeing a new therapist in about a month! I feel that now I have a much clearer mindset which will hopefully make this process a bit easier. I literally had a second where I thought that maybe I don’t need therapy or help because now my medication has made a world of a difference for me, but my boyfriend kindly reminded me that the problems are within, and the Prozac is simply a band-aid. That is as true as it gets, and I don’t want to rely on medications anyways.

This morning I went to the gym before work, which is the first time I’ve done this being 9-5pm! I will say, I felt GREAT all day (especially for a Monday). I plan to go again tomorrow and I am really wanting to make this a habit for me. Habits are something you do not have to think about, you just do it, so if I can do it enough where it becomes second nature I think it would benefit me a lot. I know in general doctors tell you that exercising helps with depression/anxiety, and I have always known that to be true from experience, I just always fall out of my routines. The important thing though is that I start again, and that is exactly what I plan to do.

I have had a recent good idea which will bring me back into my poetry, which I am very excited about, but also I do not feel just ready to start. My “poetry” and writings I’ve done (which are not all on here as most were handwritten and I will need to type them out to put on here) are depressing. I have a few happy ones as well, but I feel so much more connected to the sad ones, likely because I have had this darkness lingering inside of me for so long that it was always easy to feed off of. Now I can channel these thoughts into something beautiful. My goal is to write enough poetry to be able to publish at least one book of just poems. My grandmother has published a couple of books of her poems, and I am unsure if she makes any money but honestly it wouldn’t even matter to me. Just being able to write enough poems and have that inspiration to keep going would be enough for me.

Nice weather often makes me feel more inspired and motivated, so this upcoming summer I am planning to go out of my comfort zone and go write outside of my house, and would like to try get back into photography as well. Maybe I can incorporate my photos with my poetry, but we will see! ♡

Self.

I have been in a better state of mind recently. A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my best friend in Florida, and although my skin did not handle the sun very well, I feel that vacation was exactly what I needed. I have done a decent amount of traveling, but this time felt a lot different. I felt more independent, and in control of my thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was patient, and able to go with the flow of things a lot better than I normally would have. It could be the medication, or just being so close to the ocean and sunshine… but whatever it is I am so very thankful that I had the opportunity to take that time away.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting, but this time around I am feeling much more productive when looking inside. Normally I am so hard on myself and tell myself that I am the reason I’m upset, while that may be true, there are other ways I can communicate that within myself. Instead of hating myself for being depressed or angry, I can make sure I do something to help lift my mood, or at least try to remind myself of my better qualities. There is no point in sitting around and sulking; if anything it makes depression much worse. If you are constantly focusing on the negative things happening in life, how often are you letting the good things pass by?

I always have felt like I am racing the clock. I always feel like I am running out of time, no matter what I do. I recognize this about myself, and I would like to change it. Lately I have been enjoying the moments, and living in them. I am trying to be off of social media more, and actually enjoying the real life that is right in front of me. I think a lot of people get lost in the trance of seeking validation from others, while simultaneously judging and comparing themselves to everyone else. Not only that, but it seems people are so focused on making their lives look like they are great and happy, instead of actually trying to enjoy the moments they have.

One of the hardest things for me is that I have a hard time dissociating myself from other people’s emotions and situations. I have a good group of friends, and many of them are going through some hard shit right now, which is very hard for me to watch and deal with because I tend to feel what they are feeling. I have been reading a bit more into being an empath and plan to get some books on the subject, as I want to be able to help my friends, but also need to be able to keep my mind/body separate from their emotions. A terrible thing happened near my home recently that had made international news, which what that an innocent, young boy named AJ was murdered by his parents. I become physically sick when I think about this, which has made it hard for me to read about the case or participate in the memorial services in the town… but I know what is best for my health at this time is to stay away from it. Until I can learn to separate myself from the emotions, I have to just stay away.

I am sure some of my friends may feel like I am more distant, but right now this is what I have to do. I want to be able to help my friends in the best way I can, but when I am unable to separate myself from the situation it makes it very hard. I am the only person who is guaranteed to be with me until my dying day, and I need to learn more about myself and how to control my emotions. Self love is not selfish, it is important. ♡

Planning.

I’ve been on my new medication for almost 2 weeks and have been feeling pretty good! It’s hard to tell if the medication is actually working yet, or if I have just had less anxiety in general since making the decision to stay in my current position at work. Regardless, I’m feeling good at this time and am happy about it!

My boyfriend and I just booked a cruise for October which we’re very excited about! I’m also taking a mini-trip in April to visit my best friend and her son in Florida! I feel that planning future vacations/events/concerts is something that really helps me get out of my depression funk, because I know there’s something to look forward to. However, I’m also very cheap (or as my aunt would say: “financially responsible”). I’m not the person to go out and buy new clothes or get my nails done when I’m depressed, because even though I know it’ll help in the short-term to make me happy, I end up stressing over the money in the future.

That being said, for the next several months I will be super stingy with my money so that I can pay off the cruise in a few months, and to make sure this time I’m not hurting for several weeks after the cruise (that casino can really get you lol). Planning ahead is something that keeps me sane, but also I am constantly thinking/planning ahead that I find myself struggling to live in the moment.

I’m always trying hard to make things easier for future me, that often times I don’t slow down to think/care about my present self. People look at me and think I’m very smart and responsible, which I do appreciate, but they can’t see everything that’s happening underneath. I’m obsessed with being financially stable. I’m constantly worrying about money, even when I don’t need to, and I almost always feel guilty when I buy something for myself because I know at some point in the future I may want/need that money.

I’m not exactly sure why I am this way, but I know it started at a young age. I’ve always saved my allowance and birthday money, and I remember I went out and spent all of the $170 I had on a black and pink Stingray bicycle. I thought it was so cool because it looked like a motorcycle, but once I was home and riding it I just kept thinking about how all of that money I saved was gone. The bike started making a ticking noise that same day I got it, and the next day I brought it back and got all of my money back and never spent it all again.

I have a couple of obsessive habits, mainly the money and cleaning. I’m always cleaning or “straightening up” the house, because I can’t stand when things are on the table or on the floor. If something is on a table it must be placed in a good spot and be organized. I have friends who are like “I wish I was like you,” or “I wish my anxiety worked like that,” which I definitely understand, but at the same time is this any way to live? What does it matter if the table is a little cluttered for a few days? It’s not like we have people over very often anyways! I feel that I obsess/care about things that aren’t that important, but I place a importance on these tasks.

I think the reason that I place such a high priority on cleaning because I’m always trying to plan ahead so future me can relax or do something fun, but that time never seems to come. It’s hard too because I also have some moderate depression, and there are days where getting out of bed or brushing my hair seems like a daunting task, but my anxiety always wins. I’ll get anxious if I am sitting in bed for too long, because how will I ever catch up if I’m not keeping up?

I annoy myself often, and I also get angry with myself for having these thoughts/tendencies, but what I need to learn to do is embrace them and use them to my advantage. I’m hoping that staying on this medication will help me to keep a calmer headspace so I can learn to love myself and not hate these aspects of myself. ♡

Everything Happens for a Reason

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason; so much so, that I have it in permanent ink on my arm. These past few days have been really rough and have been full of tough decisions. Yesterday, I ended up turning down my job offer for AOM (assistant office manager).

I don’t want to go too much into detail about all of it, but basically I’ve been waiting to be moved into this position since August of last year. Up until recently I was actually excited to move into that position, but I am so happy that I decided to turn it down.

I turned it down for many reasons: not enough money, having to drive to offices that were 45min-1hr away from me, shitty hours, etc. The best part was they only offered me $1 more. I even countered the offer and they told me it was “non-negotiable.” I decided to take the a couple of days to think about it, even though I already knew I was almost certain I was turning it down.

On Monday I replied to the email that they sent me with the offer letter and I politely declined the position. They took it well and still will consider me in the future for the AOM/OM positions. I will stay in my current position, but now I will have better hours (switching from 11-7 to 9-5), we are getting another person on our team which will help with the work load, and I get to stay close to home.

I feel relieved. I was anxious all weekend thinking about turning down the position. I kept talking to different friends/family about it and listening to the different feedback was good and bad. I overthink so having too much feedback isn’t great because then I circle around in my brain and it makes it hard to stick with one decision. At one point I was thinking I was going to get fired if I turned down the position! But I’m glad I stuck with my gut and turned it down.

I was going to sign that paper if they had offered me $2, and now I’m so happy that I was only offered the $1. At this point in time, if they would have offered me what I countered, I would still decline. I feel that I would have been so unhappy traveling from place to place and never being certain of where I’d be working or how far from home I’d be. I am the type of person who likes and needs a set routine. I like to be able to have a decent idea of how my day is going to go, and I decided that my sanity was worth more than the money. ♡