Never a day off

Happy Monday! Today I am off of work, but I feel like I have already done so much today. In reality all I did was grocery shop and make a couple phone calls, but it feels productive! I had a busy weekend celebrating my pregnant friends- one gender reveal (it’s a boy!), and one baby shower (her baby girl is due on my birthday)! I also worked on Saturday so I have really just been moving around all weekend!

Today I have a list of tasks, and luckily I am just about finished. Other than going to the grocery store, I made an eye doctor appointment so I can get my contacts and glasses updated before I fall off my parents’ insurance. I reached out to Feldco to get some questions answered in regards to our window financing; we had all 12 windows in the house replaced on Wednesday! I also had to reach out to my current 401k holder and discuss doing a rollover from a previous employer (which I’ve never done before so that was a learning experience)! Luckily I already snuck some laundry in over the weekend between all of the celebrations.

I love when I feel this motivated and on top of getting things done. Granted I am a little stressed as I feel like there is a lot going on, but when isn’t there? As long as I am aware of everything going on and keep it organized in my calendar and work on a little bit at a time, everything will be fine. Since I was able to get a lot done, I told a friend I could help her with some stuff she has to do for her bridal shower next weekend (I know, it never ends! LOL). I am planning to take a walk once I am done with this post as it is a hot, sunny day and I always feel great after soaking up some sunlight.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

Cranky

I find myself getting easily irritated with people. Honestly I feel like it’s mainly people on the road when I’m driving, but I know it’s also because the state of the world is so confusing and nothing makes sense.

I can get out of the crabby feeling for a while, but if I go out in public or am around too many people, I find myself getting aggravated. I know my anxiety presents itself as anger often, and I’m sure it’s because I got used to a world with less people out and about and now everyone’s out driving around (but it’s like they forgot how to do so)…

I find myself worrying more and more about the future, which is also making me angry. I worry about bringing children into this world, and I worry about what is to come, even though I have no control over any of it- which also upsets me.

I feel better when I disconnect from social media, and I am happy to say that I just bought a couple of books yesterday and already read over 80 pages of the first one! I want to get back into reading and learning, but also I want to train myself not to get so worked up about things that I can’t control.

Mind Over Matter

“Mind over matter.” That expression is something that my mother always says to me; whether I’m feeling sick or I’m overwhelmed with work, she always reminds me of this saying.

I used to get so mad as a kid when I was feeling sick and she would say this to me, because I really just felt like “if I could make myself feel better, then I wouldn’t be sick.” Growing up I am learning that I can control how I respond and react to situations; even in those instances where I feel ill, if I focus more on what’s going on around me, usually I can “lessen” those symptoms.

For now, my focus is to learn how to be at peace. I’m learning to let go of other people’s issues, and even better, not to take them on in the first place. Of course I will always have empathy and sympathy for my friends and family, but I will not allow it to consume me.

Your mind is such a powerful tool, and although we use it daily, there are small things we can do to truly change our way of thinking. Focusing on being grateful and positive, and remembering how blessed we truly are will only benefit us in the long run.

It’s so easy to sit and get down on ourselves, but instead of feeding our minds with negative thoughts and self-doubt, we should encourage ourselves like we do our friends. I never tell my friends that they’re stupid or failing, because that’s rude and hurtful and also untrue- yet I’ll sit and tell myself that over and over again in my head all day. But what does that do for me? Nothing good.

Pushing through

I know I haven’t been on here, and it has been upsetting me that I missed a couple Sunday’s and barely wrote two sentences in my last post. I have things to talk about, but also don’t always want everything to be written out or posted somewhere, even though this is my place to be the most open and personal.

A couple weekends ago I had a breakdown, but it was also a breakthrough. It has made me motivated to work on certain issues from my childhood I have been avoiding, but also it has been overwhelming. I have issues with feeling guilty, and I have control issues and these things are causing a lot of my anxieties and I have to get to the root of those feelings in order to deal with them.

I often complain about “arguing with myself in my brain,” but I’m basically arguing with my childhood brain-the brain that endured emotional abuse. I am arguing with voices that my traumatized brain held onto, if that makes any sense. As a child and into my teenage years, I was made to feel guilty or stupid for anything I did, even though I was a goody-two-shoes of a child and literally didn’t do anything wrong.

I constantly felt like I wasn’t trusted, even though I never did anything that was untrustworthy. When I look back, I really wonder why I didn’t rebel because I was already treated like I was breaking rules and being a bad kid. It’s probably because the chaos was already bad enough, and I didn’t want to find out if it could get worse. I often tried to stay out of my house, whether it was being outside with friends as a child, to getting multiple jobs as a teenager so I could escape.

When triggers come up, my anxiety heightens and I tend to turn into an asshole. I become so irritable and short-tempered, and I also start letting my fears of the unknown take over. I had some anxiety yesterday before work and instead of the nausea and throwing up, I was feeling like I was going to hyperventilate and I started crying. I had this overwhelming sense that something was wrong, but nothing was.

I am going to continue to write on here, as I feel this is helpful for me and I want to be consistent with my blog. I also feel that typing on my laptop is easier, and maybe I will make this a habit again instead of doing it on my phone. Thank you to all who read this.

I don’t know

I didn’t post last week. I have been somewhat busy, but also somewhat lazy. I don’t know exactly what it is, but today I feel like I’m just PMSing. I may start writing during the week instead, maybe Mondays? I’m exhausted from this weekend and am just gonna lay in bed watching youtube.

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

I’m not getting vaccinated (yet)

There seems to be some stigma going around those who aren’t getting the Covid-19 vaccine. I’ve seen posts on social media of people making fun of those who aren’t getting it saying things like: “people aren’t getting the vaccine because they don’t know what’s in it but then go eat hot dog” or “so glad I got my vaccine, I can’t even feel the chip!” and so on and so forth.

Honestly, I have a sense of humor so I find these to be funny, but I also am aware that because I am not vaccinated and am choosing to wait longer that people will judge me for it. I honestly don’t care that people are judging me or making assumptions about be, but I do know that not all others are comfortable in speaking up about not getting the vaccine. I wish people would just remember that we’re all individuals with our own rights to our bodies and we as adults can make these decisions for ourselves.

For myself personally, I do not feel comfortable getting the vaccine just yet. I am young and healthy, and have been blessed to not be severely affected by Covid-19 this past year. I am aware this is NOT the case for everyone, and that there have been deaths because of this virus, but again I have to make the choice for me, and I can do so based on my experience even though it hasn’t been the same experience for everyone. I also wear my mask in public, and if I were to ever get covid I would follow guidelines and quarantine because I know everyone reacts so differently to the virus.

This vaccine is very new and the most effective ones use mRNA, which is different than all of the other vaccines I’ve had before. According to studies and science, it is rare to have adverse reactions and there is no concern about future fertility problems, but just like the virus, everyone’s body reacts differently. Please also keep in mind I haven’t had an annual flu shot in at least ten years simply because I don’t find it necessary in my current state of health. I also didn’t get the HPV vaccine when that was new and still refuse to get it as I know someone who’s sister became paralyzed shortly after receiving it.

I want to mention that I have not attempted to have children yet, and have always had this fear that I may have fertility problems. I know that the CDC website says there’s no evidence to show the vaccine would have any effect on future fertility, but it would be difficult for me if I were infertile and they couldn’t explain why, because I’d always have it in the back of my mind “was it because I got the vaccine?” “did I do this?” I know that being young and healthy, I’d have extremely high chances of surviving covid, and for me I’d rather take the risk of getting Covid than the vaccine (at least at this point in time).

Now, I am not saying I will never get the covid vaccine, but I would like to wait a bit longer to see more data. I recently came across an article about how Pfizer was sued for $2.3mil in 2009 for basically not adequately reporting the adverse reactions of medications to the FDA. In high school I also did a project on anti-depressants and learned a lot about the FDA and how they’ve let tens and thousands of people die from “approved” medications before taking it off the market years later. I don’t think it’s crazy to want to wait longer than a few months to see how people react to the different vaccines.

I will never discourage anyone from getting the vaccine. I totally understand why people are getting it, and am so happy for my friends who are excited to get it! I feel like we all have our own choices as adults, and people should be more open to conversation about why people are choosing to wait to get vaccinated. If you don’t want to hang out with me because I’m not vaccinated, that’s literally fine with me! I truly just don’t like the idea of people being shamed for not getting vaccinated, and I don’t like seeing the media use fear tactics to convince someone to get the vaccine; we are all free to make our own choices.

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

Hope this feeling stays

This weekend I’ve been feeling very motivated. I did wedding crafts with a friend and we got so much done! We even were able to sneak in a nail appointment and she made me get back on tik tok LOL. Honestly though, learning those dances is a work out.

Speaking of which, I started adding in little workouts to my schedule these past few days. Nothing intense, but I do want to lose some weight/gain some muscle over the next few months so I’m going to be watching what I’m eating more and making sure I’m getting active!

Today I got a lot done around the house, and my friend came by to pick up a project that my other friend and I collaborated on for her! The best part was when she sent me the money on Venmo, I realized I never transferred previous money to my account so I ended up having an extra $100 I didn’t know I had (which will definitely help for this upcoming tattoo appointment in a couple weeks).

Anyways, I’m really trying to keep myself motivated and keep my head up! I have to start dedicating time to myself and my health, now that I’m finally feeling better!

Feeling better

I am finally starting to feel normal again. This morning I had a follow up appointment with my PCP and she prescribed omeprazole to help with my symptoms, so I’m hoping this helps as well and everything goes away.

This is going to be a productive week at work as we only have patients coming in on Friday, so we get to play catch up on claims and billing which is much needed! This office had some less than competent people up front for the past several months, so there is plenty to clean up!

It is so satisfying to get messes fixed and organize the office. I can’t wait to get everything exactly how I want it and continue to bring in new patients to the practice. For this week I am planning to get off around 3-4pm every day, so I will be working on crafting projects and exercising.

I have to continue to work on myself and I have to stop all of the self-loathing. I broke down on Saturday, because I just was feeling like I was ruining everyone’s plans and I was constantly forgetting things. After talking to my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion I have spread myself too thin with work/friends(weddings).

With my hands in too many things, I can’t be giving 100% to everything, and that makes me more upset because I have pretty high expectations of myself. I have to take a step back and think things through before I’m saying “yes!” to everyone and ask myself if it’s something I can actually handle taking on. Boundaries are important, and they only work if you enforce them.